Sunday, September 16, 2007
Saturday, September 15, 2007
will anaesthetists please make up their minds about 'it'!!
i guess everyone undergoing a specialist's training in anaesthesia has to go through 'it', but i'm about ready to throw a tantrum right now because of 'it'.
and i do mean a real, no-nonsense, fists-and-toes-banging-on-the-floor-and-bawling-away kind of tantrum because 'it' irritates me no end.
'it', my current bugbear, is 'how to do things' in the practise of anaesthesia.
here's how things work. a junior anaesthetist and a senior anaesthetist are posted in a theatre for one whole working day, and provide anaesthesia for all cases coming to that theatre on that day. so the junior has to basically do what the senior wants him or her to. obviously, one allows for the fancies and peculiarities of individuals; i always thought of it as "when in rome...."
but sometimes, it gets to be too much.
here's a few examples:
most people think 100 micrograms of fentanyl should be diluted in a 10 cc syringe for various reasons including being able to titrate the dose, and that giving 100 mcg together can lead to chest wall rigidity. and i guess if everyone does it, it leads to less confusion. but there is a guy who says it's a waste of a 10 cc syringe, and that he's never seen chest wall rigidity, and that most adults can take 100 mcg without any problems. so he uses a 2 cc syringe. that is all very well but for the fact that the same guy insists on using a 10 cc syringe for morphine. when i asked him why not 2 cc, the answer was not very clear-cut. so i guess even people who attempt to sound logical are doing stuff more out of habit than anything else.
i've always been taught here that if one uses a regional anaesthetic technique (like a caudal or epidural or brachial plexus block) in additional to general anaesthesia, one can do without morphine, and thus avoid it's problems. in general, isn't it better to interfere minimally with the body? but there is a person here who absolutely loves morphine and insists on giving it even in patients getting additional regional anaesthesia. the apparent reason is that the patient has pain in the mouth and throat from the endotracheal tube or laryngeal mask which needs to be treated with morphine. fine, the person concerned is an expert on pain management and i'm not about to say he or she is wrong, but surely there is no need to get angry because i did not give morphine till you told me to. i mean, was i supposed to divine that you like to do other than what i had been told to do till then by everyone else?
how does it matter whether i take air or saline or saline-with-a-bubble-of-air in the syringe while finding the epidural space by loss-of-resistance technique? then why insist that it has to be done in any particular way? interestingly, one day, before putting in the needle, i asked one senior what he wanted me to use, and this guy happened to not like that at all! " what do YOU like to use? go ahead and use it!" is what he said! imagine that! on the one day i decided to ask instead of getting rapped on the knuckles (metaphorically) after starting!
truth is, there are more than a few ways of getting from point a to point b in anaesthesia, and i guess i must walk all of them during the training period before i get enough freedom to choose what i'm comfortable with. but i wish they weren't so dogmatic about sizes of syringes and the like. i think i've decided to be a little less picky about the small print when i get the opportunity.
and i do mean a real, no-nonsense, fists-and-toes-banging-on-the-floor-and-bawling-away kind of tantrum because 'it' irritates me no end.
'it', my current bugbear, is 'how to do things' in the practise of anaesthesia.
here's how things work. a junior anaesthetist and a senior anaesthetist are posted in a theatre for one whole working day, and provide anaesthesia for all cases coming to that theatre on that day. so the junior has to basically do what the senior wants him or her to. obviously, one allows for the fancies and peculiarities of individuals; i always thought of it as "when in rome...."
but sometimes, it gets to be too much.
here's a few examples:
most people think 100 micrograms of fentanyl should be diluted in a 10 cc syringe for various reasons including being able to titrate the dose, and that giving 100 mcg together can lead to chest wall rigidity. and i guess if everyone does it, it leads to less confusion. but there is a guy who says it's a waste of a 10 cc syringe, and that he's never seen chest wall rigidity, and that most adults can take 100 mcg without any problems. so he uses a 2 cc syringe. that is all very well but for the fact that the same guy insists on using a 10 cc syringe for morphine. when i asked him why not 2 cc, the answer was not very clear-cut. so i guess even people who attempt to sound logical are doing stuff more out of habit than anything else.
i've always been taught here that if one uses a regional anaesthetic technique (like a caudal or epidural or brachial plexus block) in additional to general anaesthesia, one can do without morphine, and thus avoid it's problems. in general, isn't it better to interfere minimally with the body? but there is a person here who absolutely loves morphine and insists on giving it even in patients getting additional regional anaesthesia. the apparent reason is that the patient has pain in the mouth and throat from the endotracheal tube or laryngeal mask which needs to be treated with morphine. fine, the person concerned is an expert on pain management and i'm not about to say he or she is wrong, but surely there is no need to get angry because i did not give morphine till you told me to. i mean, was i supposed to divine that you like to do other than what i had been told to do till then by everyone else?
how does it matter whether i take air or saline or saline-with-a-bubble-of-air in the syringe while finding the epidural space by loss-of-resistance technique? then why insist that it has to be done in any particular way? interestingly, one day, before putting in the needle, i asked one senior what he wanted me to use, and this guy happened to not like that at all! " what do YOU like to use? go ahead and use it!" is what he said! imagine that! on the one day i decided to ask instead of getting rapped on the knuckles (metaphorically) after starting!
truth is, there are more than a few ways of getting from point a to point b in anaesthesia, and i guess i must walk all of them during the training period before i get enough freedom to choose what i'm comfortable with. but i wish they weren't so dogmatic about sizes of syringes and the like. i think i've decided to be a little less picky about the small print when i get the opportunity.
there's someone i hate
was describing to the best friend how the day went, and it started me off on a train of thought that's......., well, for want of a better phrase, thought-provoking.
and the best friend threatened to blog about it if i did not.
so i have, by verbal acclaim, and depending on said person's honesty, declared my right and my intention (though fulfilled very late) to blog about the issue.
was telling him how much i dreaded working with one particular senior colleague in my department. well, i just found out that i'll be doing a 24-hour duty with that person in a few days time. and already, i can't stop thinking about it.
so why do i dread working with the guy?
well, truth is, he was my senior in medical school, and we lived in the same hostel. as things were not too long ago, seniors had a lot of freedom to behave as they felt like with freshers. and this guy, and his bunch made life miserable for me in my first year in medical school.
i guess things were magnified by the fact that i was all of 17, away from home for the first time, in a new culture and environment. still, i never look back to those incidents with any sort of peace or happiness. i just can't seem to forget the nasty behaviour (do i sound like a sissy, or a victorian lady about to swoon?).
but i realised something important about myself as i was describing all this aloud.
i realised that all this while, i kept saying that i dreaded working with the guy because he was pretty nasty to me, and that he surely hated me for one reason or the other.
what was not said, was that 'he hates me' is just a "christian's" way of saying 'i hate him'.
i don't mean all you lovely christians out there, i mean me, the one who keeps trying to be christian, but never succeeds.
and yes, i realized i do hate him for making me miserable so long ago.
is that so wrong? i think it is wrong, but right now, i can't help it.
maybe i'll get the strength to get over it sometime, and look beyond what was miserable in life, to what was, and is, wonderful in life.
and the best friend threatened to blog about it if i did not.
so i have, by verbal acclaim, and depending on said person's honesty, declared my right and my intention (though fulfilled very late) to blog about the issue.
was telling him how much i dreaded working with one particular senior colleague in my department. well, i just found out that i'll be doing a 24-hour duty with that person in a few days time. and already, i can't stop thinking about it.
so why do i dread working with the guy?
well, truth is, he was my senior in medical school, and we lived in the same hostel. as things were not too long ago, seniors had a lot of freedom to behave as they felt like with freshers. and this guy, and his bunch made life miserable for me in my first year in medical school.
i guess things were magnified by the fact that i was all of 17, away from home for the first time, in a new culture and environment. still, i never look back to those incidents with any sort of peace or happiness. i just can't seem to forget the nasty behaviour (do i sound like a sissy, or a victorian lady about to swoon?).
but i realised something important about myself as i was describing all this aloud.
i realised that all this while, i kept saying that i dreaded working with the guy because he was pretty nasty to me, and that he surely hated me for one reason or the other.
what was not said, was that 'he hates me' is just a "christian's" way of saying 'i hate him'.
i don't mean all you lovely christians out there, i mean me, the one who keeps trying to be christian, but never succeeds.
and yes, i realized i do hate him for making me miserable so long ago.
is that so wrong? i think it is wrong, but right now, i can't help it.
maybe i'll get the strength to get over it sometime, and look beyond what was miserable in life, to what was, and is, wonderful in life.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
it's not that special a place, it's the people who make it seem so
as you know, i've been in this place for the past six years. started off as a medical student in 2001, finished exams and did my 'year of the intern' in 2006, and luckily, got in to do my post-graduation in anaesthesia this year.
as i have mentioned in some previous posts, i'd come to love this place and be extremely comfortable in it. in fact, i contemplate continuing here on a long term. but once internship was over and all my classmates went their different ways, things have changed.
oh don't worry, i still like this place and would love to continue here, but now i wonder if that is not partly due to the general inertia and lack of columbus-like spirit in my nature.
because i've come to find, that if i had to recommend this place to someone, most of what i would have to tell them would be about the great times spent with friends.
and that is what i miss now. that is why, even people who left this place singing of freedom and life elsewhere, often come back- simply because this is the one place where at least some of those irreplaceable people who left an indelible mark on their memories are most likely to be found in person.
yesterday, two of my friends came back from different places to meet us (if i was feeling nasty, i'd say it's rather convenient considering they're here mostly to meet each other).
but that's neither here nor there (exactly! it's conveniently halfway between here and there as far as they are concerned!).
the point is, a bunch of us managed to get together for dinner. the dinner lasted the usual duration of little over an hour. what followed, though, was the most enjoyable time i've spent in a long while. a bunch of us just standing in the hospital campus yakking away and mixing new stories with old memories. we went on for over 3 hours i think.
thanks BONO, those were precious moments.
as i have mentioned in some previous posts, i'd come to love this place and be extremely comfortable in it. in fact, i contemplate continuing here on a long term. but once internship was over and all my classmates went their different ways, things have changed.
oh don't worry, i still like this place and would love to continue here, but now i wonder if that is not partly due to the general inertia and lack of columbus-like spirit in my nature.
because i've come to find, that if i had to recommend this place to someone, most of what i would have to tell them would be about the great times spent with friends.
and that is what i miss now. that is why, even people who left this place singing of freedom and life elsewhere, often come back- simply because this is the one place where at least some of those irreplaceable people who left an indelible mark on their memories are most likely to be found in person.
yesterday, two of my friends came back from different places to meet us (if i was feeling nasty, i'd say it's rather convenient considering they're here mostly to meet each other).
but that's neither here nor there (exactly! it's conveniently halfway between here and there as far as they are concerned!).
the point is, a bunch of us managed to get together for dinner. the dinner lasted the usual duration of little over an hour. what followed, though, was the most enjoyable time i've spent in a long while. a bunch of us just standing in the hospital campus yakking away and mixing new stories with old memories. we went on for over 3 hours i think.
thanks BONO, those were precious moments.
Monday, August 27, 2007
nothing happened, again
as i mentioned previously, was not looking forward to discussing the contraception issue with my senior on sunday evening.
but as it turned out, the patient never turned up for surgery!
so monday has been rather predictable. not unpleasant, and reasonably predictable.
thank you, o one who watches from up above. and thank you all who pray for my peace of mind.
had been telling my brother about my fears over the phone. those who know my brother know that we're chalk and cheese, that we don't think alike on most issues. but over the past 5-6 years, since i've left home, i've often found him to be my best support in any kind of situation. and even on this issue, he never told me i was being ridiculous, or to drop the whole thing; he never told me i was right either, but he never told me to back down. he was just quietly supportive- 'stick it out,' he said, 'because i know you want to, don't you?'
but as it turned out, the patient never turned up for surgery!
so monday has been rather predictable. not unpleasant, and reasonably predictable.
thank you, o one who watches from up above. and thank you all who pray for my peace of mind.
had been telling my brother about my fears over the phone. those who know my brother know that we're chalk and cheese, that we don't think alike on most issues. but over the past 5-6 years, since i've left home, i've often found him to be my best support in any kind of situation. and even on this issue, he never told me i was being ridiculous, or to drop the whole thing; he never told me i was right either, but he never told me to back down. he was just quietly supportive- 'stick it out,' he said, 'because i know you want to, don't you?'
Saturday, August 25, 2007
about contraception
i was going through some of the material in my mail folders dealing with contraception, and i decided to put up here the best philosophical argument that i have come across against it. it's quite long, and requires patience to wade through. it is not for those who like to skim through and expect to find any neaning. it also took me three or four readings to get some of what it meant (and don't start the "so? you're slow! we all knew that! dialogue). anyway, here it is:
Contraception and Chastity at orthodoxy today
Contraception and Chastity at orthodoxy today
a test of faith
i've been describing in some of my previous posts the crisis of faith i've been having. well, now i'm up against a test of faith. i need fortitude to stand up to it. so listen to my story, and pray for me.
on monday, i was posted to provide anaesthesia for 4 cases of sterilization/ caesarean with sterilization. i knew i'd have to refuse. and there lies the trouble. in the medical hierarchy (or probably in any hierarchy), refusing to do what a superior tells you to is considered......, well it's just not done. the thought of the consequences to my further academic prospects if someone decided to take offense, is rather unnerving.
but the decision had been made; so i steeled myself up, prayed desperately, rehearsed appropriate lines, and went to see the patients. having seen them, i reported their condition to my assigned senior anaesthetist, and proceeded to tell him about my 'problem'- that i would not be joining in the cases due to a religious belief. thankfully, my senior was a rather nice guy, and he just spoke to the senior anaesthetist in the adjoining theatre, and they exchanged juniors for the day. i'm thankful to them for their tolerance and to my fellow junior, who suddenly found herself lumped with another's cases.
and now it's happening again. on monday (is their something inauspicious about mondays?), i am again posted for a sterilization case. this time, the senior is not a nice guy. in fact, it is one of my seniors from medical school days who made life miserable for me in my first year. he detested me (why? that's another story).
i've been thinking, why do i keep telling myself that he dislikes me and that is why we can't get along? truth is, i detest what he did to me and the way he treated me all those years ago, and have never been comfortble around him. so yes, maybe i hate him too, but i'm quite sure he's going to be extremely cheesed off at my refusal and he won't be mincing words expressing himself.
and so it starts all over again. the sinking feeling in my chest, the nerving up to face a situation that makes me feel like a nerveless jellybean, the fear of consequences, about how i'll face all the reprimands and comments,.....
the last three times the situation arose, nothing happened. while in internship in obstetrics and gynaecology, and in community health, i refused to perform or assist in sterilization. then too, i was quaking in my boots thinking about possible repercussions. but nothing happened, thanks be to god.
which is why my best friend told me that nothing is likely to happen, that people are likely to respect freedom of religion and tolerate my actions (even if they consider it extremely ridiculous and medieval). i hope that is so. i fervently hope that is so, but my heart never fails to do cartwheels and settle somewhere under my intestines whenever the thought strikes.
i'm not at all worried about not being able to explain the teaching of the church to people, because honestly, even i find it difficult to understand and even more, to express. i know that even if i tried, i could not even begin to hope to convince anyone with my current level of understanding about the reasons contraception is wrong. my main reason, from the beginning, has been that i believe in majesterial infallibility (understood in it's correct sense, not in the caricature always presented by less-informed people).
as usual, the inexperienced writer does not know how to put together a piece with it's usual parts- beginning, body, and end. i feel, that literally, i've waded into something and don't know how to get out of it (this article, i mean). so pray for me, that god will put to rest my fears, and teach me to trust in him to provide all i need.
on monday, i was posted to provide anaesthesia for 4 cases of sterilization/ caesarean with sterilization. i knew i'd have to refuse. and there lies the trouble. in the medical hierarchy (or probably in any hierarchy), refusing to do what a superior tells you to is considered......, well it's just not done. the thought of the consequences to my further academic prospects if someone decided to take offense, is rather unnerving.
but the decision had been made; so i steeled myself up, prayed desperately, rehearsed appropriate lines, and went to see the patients. having seen them, i reported their condition to my assigned senior anaesthetist, and proceeded to tell him about my 'problem'- that i would not be joining in the cases due to a religious belief. thankfully, my senior was a rather nice guy, and he just spoke to the senior anaesthetist in the adjoining theatre, and they exchanged juniors for the day. i'm thankful to them for their tolerance and to my fellow junior, who suddenly found herself lumped with another's cases.
and now it's happening again. on monday (is their something inauspicious about mondays?), i am again posted for a sterilization case. this time, the senior is not a nice guy. in fact, it is one of my seniors from medical school days who made life miserable for me in my first year. he detested me (why? that's another story).
i've been thinking, why do i keep telling myself that he dislikes me and that is why we can't get along? truth is, i detest what he did to me and the way he treated me all those years ago, and have never been comfortble around him. so yes, maybe i hate him too, but i'm quite sure he's going to be extremely cheesed off at my refusal and he won't be mincing words expressing himself.
and so it starts all over again. the sinking feeling in my chest, the nerving up to face a situation that makes me feel like a nerveless jellybean, the fear of consequences, about how i'll face all the reprimands and comments,.....
the last three times the situation arose, nothing happened. while in internship in obstetrics and gynaecology, and in community health, i refused to perform or assist in sterilization. then too, i was quaking in my boots thinking about possible repercussions. but nothing happened, thanks be to god.
which is why my best friend told me that nothing is likely to happen, that people are likely to respect freedom of religion and tolerate my actions (even if they consider it extremely ridiculous and medieval). i hope that is so. i fervently hope that is so, but my heart never fails to do cartwheels and settle somewhere under my intestines whenever the thought strikes.
i'm not at all worried about not being able to explain the teaching of the church to people, because honestly, even i find it difficult to understand and even more, to express. i know that even if i tried, i could not even begin to hope to convince anyone with my current level of understanding about the reasons contraception is wrong. my main reason, from the beginning, has been that i believe in majesterial infallibility (understood in it's correct sense, not in the caricature always presented by less-informed people).
as usual, the inexperienced writer does not know how to put together a piece with it's usual parts- beginning, body, and end. i feel, that literally, i've waded into something and don't know how to get out of it (this article, i mean). so pray for me, that god will put to rest my fears, and teach me to trust in him to provide all i need.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his life for his fellow man.... the feast day of st. maximilian kolbe
august 14th is the feast day of st. maxilmilian maria kolbe. i found that out today as i happened to go for morning mass (for a change, i know).
since i've always been inspired by his story, i thought i'd share it with you all (who all, i wonder)
anyway, here's the links, take your pick:
1) catholic forum's saints index
2) wikipedia article
3)from the jewish virtual library
4)kolbe net
and before i go,
st maximilian, pray that we to may have the courage to do as jesus calls us to do when the need arises, amen.
since i've always been inspired by his story, i thought i'd share it with you all (who all, i wonder)
anyway, here's the links, take your pick:
1) catholic forum's saints index
2) wikipedia article
3)from the jewish virtual library
4)kolbe net
and before i go,
st maximilian, pray that we to may have the courage to do as jesus calls us to do when the need arises, amen.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
people have problems
yes, everyone has problems
and some of them make mine seem inconsequential in comparison
it's really humbling to see people get on with their lives despite all their problems.
and the funny thing is, i would never know some of these till they told me about it. not that i could do anything about it having come to know about it.
take for example a middle-aged doctor working in my hospital. he's good at his work, and a very jovial person; also a good teacher. the other day he asked me to try and get some information for him related to getting his medical degrees and diplomas attested so he could go work elsewhere. so the usual thoughts go through my head- probably wants to make more money. not in a judgemental sense, but in a matter-of-fact way. belive me, where i come from, it's perfectly understandable that people want to go elsewhere for better financial returns for their hard work. later the story came out. he had a son with chronic renal failure with a failed transplant. all these years of treating the renal failure and transplant rejection was obviously a big financial strain. so his wife decided to start working elsewhere to make ends meet. once she left, the boy became moody and difficult, and refused to eat or take his medicines. so now, he too wants to go join his wife with his family.
and you'd never know that there was a tragedy of this magnitude behind the smiling face, and competent professionalism. and what about the courage to deal with all this for so long?
almost makes you question god's judgement on the trials he puts some people through.
teach me to trust. lord, that all things will be made beautiful in your time.
and some of them make mine seem inconsequential in comparison
it's really humbling to see people get on with their lives despite all their problems.
and the funny thing is, i would never know some of these till they told me about it. not that i could do anything about it having come to know about it.
take for example a middle-aged doctor working in my hospital. he's good at his work, and a very jovial person; also a good teacher. the other day he asked me to try and get some information for him related to getting his medical degrees and diplomas attested so he could go work elsewhere. so the usual thoughts go through my head- probably wants to make more money. not in a judgemental sense, but in a matter-of-fact way. belive me, where i come from, it's perfectly understandable that people want to go elsewhere for better financial returns for their hard work. later the story came out. he had a son with chronic renal failure with a failed transplant. all these years of treating the renal failure and transplant rejection was obviously a big financial strain. so his wife decided to start working elsewhere to make ends meet. once she left, the boy became moody and difficult, and refused to eat or take his medicines. so now, he too wants to go join his wife with his family.
and you'd never know that there was a tragedy of this magnitude behind the smiling face, and competent professionalism. and what about the courage to deal with all this for so long?
almost makes you question god's judgement on the trials he puts some people through.
teach me to trust. lord, that all things will be made beautiful in your time.
jeremiah 7 scares me
my daily reading brought me to the book of jeremiah a few days ago, and in due course of time, i reached chapter 7. frankly, it scares me. read on:
The word that came to Jeremias from the Lord, saying: Stand in the gate of the house of the Lord, and proclaim there this word, and say: Hear ye the word of the Lord, all ye men of Juda, that enter in at these gates, to adore the Lord. Thus saith the Lord of hosts the God of Israel: Make your ways and your doings good: and I will dwell with you in this place. Trust not in lying words, saying: The temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord, it is the temple of the Lord. For if you will order well your ways, and your doings: if you will execute judgment between a man and his neighbour, if you oppress not the stranger, the fatherless, and the widow, and shed not innocent blood in this place, and walk not after strange gods to your own hurt, I will dwell with you in this place: in the land, which I gave to your fathers from the beginning and for evermore. Behold you put your trust in lying words, which shall not profit you: To steal, to murder, to commit adultery, to swear falsely, to offer to Baalim, and to go after strange gods, which you know not. And you have come, and stood before me in this house, in which my name is called upon, and have said: We are delivered, because we have done all these abominations. Is this house then, in which my name hath been called upon, in your eyes become a den of robbers? I, I am he: I have seen it, saith the Lord. Go ye to my place in Silo, where my name dwelt from the beginning: and see what I did to it for the wickedness of my people Israel: And now, because you have done all these works, saith the Lord: and I have spoken to you rising up early, and speaking, and you have not heard: and I have called you, and you have not answered: I will do to this house, in which my name is called upon, and in which you trust, and to the place which I have given you and your fathers, as I did to Silo.
(from the douay-rheims-challoner version)
The word that came to Jeremias from the Lord, saying: Stand in the gate of the house of the Lord, and proclaim there this word, and say: Hear ye the word of the Lord, all ye men of Juda, that enter in at these gates, to adore the Lord. Thus saith the Lord of hosts the God of Israel: Make your ways and your doings good: and I will dwell with you in this place. Trust not in lying words, saying: The temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord, it is the temple of the Lord. For if you will order well your ways, and your doings: if you will execute judgment between a man and his neighbour, if you oppress not the stranger, the fatherless, and the widow, and shed not innocent blood in this place, and walk not after strange gods to your own hurt, I will dwell with you in this place: in the land, which I gave to your fathers from the beginning and for evermore. Behold you put your trust in lying words, which shall not profit you: To steal, to murder, to commit adultery, to swear falsely, to offer to Baalim, and to go after strange gods, which you know not. And you have come, and stood before me in this house, in which my name is called upon, and have said: We are delivered, because we have done all these abominations. Is this house then, in which my name hath been called upon, in your eyes become a den of robbers? I, I am he: I have seen it, saith the Lord. Go ye to my place in Silo, where my name dwelt from the beginning: and see what I did to it for the wickedness of my people Israel: And now, because you have done all these works, saith the Lord: and I have spoken to you rising up early, and speaking, and you have not heard: and I have called you, and you have not answered: I will do to this house, in which my name is called upon, and in which you trust, and to the place which I have given you and your fathers, as I did to Silo.
(from the douay-rheims-challoner version)
Monday, August 6, 2007
pascal and the god-shaped hole
pascal once wrote that there is a god-shaped hole in each one's heart
how true that is!
and to think that i believed it in theory all these years, and now, suddenly, am finding myself on the wrong end of the thought
the implication being, of course, that only god can satisfactorily fill that hole in our hearts, and anything else we try to shove in, will only be like a square peg in a round hole.
so here i am, thinking that perhaps, i need to clean my room; or get back to studying regularly; or exercise regularly; or eat healthy; or declare my love; or a million other things
what my mind is conveniently, or rather eagerly, ignoring is that i need to get right with my maker again.
is it tough?
you betcha!
but is it what needs to be done?
oh yeah.
no matter how many times the prodigal son walks away, the father will be found waiting at the gate for him to come back.
so pray for me that i may go back to my father's house, where even the servants live in love and comfort; whereas i wallow with pigs
how true that is!
and to think that i believed it in theory all these years, and now, suddenly, am finding myself on the wrong end of the thought
the implication being, of course, that only god can satisfactorily fill that hole in our hearts, and anything else we try to shove in, will only be like a square peg in a round hole.
so here i am, thinking that perhaps, i need to clean my room; or get back to studying regularly; or exercise regularly; or eat healthy; or declare my love; or a million other things
what my mind is conveniently, or rather eagerly, ignoring is that i need to get right with my maker again.
is it tough?
you betcha!
but is it what needs to be done?
oh yeah.
no matter how many times the prodigal son walks away, the father will be found waiting at the gate for him to come back.
so pray for me that i may go back to my father's house, where even the servants live in love and comfort; whereas i wallow with pigs
the seventh harry potter
i managed to read the last harry potter in a few breathless hours over the weekend, and thus managed to throw my usual schedule out of kilter. as a result, i have an extra pile of dirty clothes waiting to be laundered, and the room's till dusty.
but anyway.....i'd say it was well worth it
the first three books had an innocence to them that was refreshing. i really loved the unbeatable combination of boarding school life and magic.
the next three books were dark and brooding
i still remember thinking that as far as writing or children went, the death of cedric diggory in the fourth book was an extremely badly-managed piece. but i guess from that book on, rowling was no longer writing just for children
the fifth and sixth books did not make any special impression on me. almost felt directionless.
but this one was, oh wow!
deathly hallows has some interesting theological elements in it too.
the idea that victory over death being in meeting it head-on and fearlessly seems to ring a (christian) bell.
i loved the ending. some say it was too corny and sugary. but you know me, i'm a die-hard romantic, and totally fall for the kind of endings epitomized by this one.
and i always end up imagining the future.
right now, i'm wondering about remus lupin's and tonks' kid. both parents died fighting voldemort. wonder what he'll grow up into. another harry potter?
but perhaps, it is too good an ending to keep dragging further into the future. it looks good where it lies.
thanks j.k. rowling, it was a really good series.
but anyway.....i'd say it was well worth it
the first three books had an innocence to them that was refreshing. i really loved the unbeatable combination of boarding school life and magic.
the next three books were dark and brooding
i still remember thinking that as far as writing or children went, the death of cedric diggory in the fourth book was an extremely badly-managed piece. but i guess from that book on, rowling was no longer writing just for children
the fifth and sixth books did not make any special impression on me. almost felt directionless.
but this one was, oh wow!
deathly hallows has some interesting theological elements in it too.
the idea that victory over death being in meeting it head-on and fearlessly seems to ring a (christian) bell.
i loved the ending. some say it was too corny and sugary. but you know me, i'm a die-hard romantic, and totally fall for the kind of endings epitomized by this one.
and i always end up imagining the future.
right now, i'm wondering about remus lupin's and tonks' kid. both parents died fighting voldemort. wonder what he'll grow up into. another harry potter?
but perhaps, it is too good an ending to keep dragging further into the future. it looks good where it lies.
thanks j.k. rowling, it was a really good series.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
i hate my work
you might wonder at the title.
here i was all happy with my work and the challenges involved, and all of a sudden, you see me complaining.
well, i don't exactly hate the particular work i'm doing.
what i do hate is what my work does to me and does not let me do.
i don't have the freedom i used to. most of how i spend my time is dictated by my work.
when i was in medical school (seems so far away, doesn't it? it's actually been only a little over a year), there was more freedom.
i could cut class whenever i wanted. i remember cutting class the whole day just to watch all three episodes of LOTR (lord of the rings) at a stretch on my friend's computer. or sitting and playing extremely out-of-date versions of need for speed.
those were the days.
now, i have to be inside theatre almost before others have to be inside the loo. and i have to stay there till the last patient is safely transferred out. and the good lord save the junior anaesthetist seen with a mobile phone or book in the hand inside theatre!
was just reminded of these things when a friend of mine was going through a tough time and i could not contact her because of all these constraints. at that moment, i really wanted to be with her, or at least call her. we could, and did, liberally cut class when a friend needed something back in medical school. now it's just not possible.
wonder if 'those were the best days of my life' and they really will never come back?
here i was all happy with my work and the challenges involved, and all of a sudden, you see me complaining.
well, i don't exactly hate the particular work i'm doing.
what i do hate is what my work does to me and does not let me do.
i don't have the freedom i used to. most of how i spend my time is dictated by my work.
when i was in medical school (seems so far away, doesn't it? it's actually been only a little over a year), there was more freedom.
i could cut class whenever i wanted. i remember cutting class the whole day just to watch all three episodes of LOTR (lord of the rings) at a stretch on my friend's computer. or sitting and playing extremely out-of-date versions of need for speed.
those were the days.
now, i have to be inside theatre almost before others have to be inside the loo. and i have to stay there till the last patient is safely transferred out. and the good lord save the junior anaesthetist seen with a mobile phone or book in the hand inside theatre!
was just reminded of these things when a friend of mine was going through a tough time and i could not contact her because of all these constraints. at that moment, i really wanted to be with her, or at least call her. we could, and did, liberally cut class when a friend needed something back in medical school. now it's just not possible.
wonder if 'those were the best days of my life' and they really will never come back?
Saturday, July 21, 2007
i took the book quiz too
You're Confessions!
by St. Augustine
You're a sinner, you're a saint, you do not feel ashamed. Well, you
might feel a little ashamed of your past, but it did such a good job of teaching you
what not to do. Now you've become a devout Christian and have spent more time
ruminating on the world to come rather than worldly pleasures. Your realizations and
ability to change will bring reverence upon you despite your hedonistic transgressions.
Florida will honor you most in the end.
Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.
it is pretty interesting, i must admit.
the characterization does ring a bell.
but i wonder how whether i like the british isles has anything to do with anything other than my (non-existent) tourist activity?
and hey, does this mean all humans can be characterized into 64 groups?
somehow, i believe we're much more diverse than that.
and who exactly is florida??!!
Saturday, July 14, 2007
abstinence education
i found a good interview-article on abstinence education
thought i should put it up.
it's an interview with jason evert of catholic answers
read it here
it's from zenit
i think i remember reading in the newspaper about the study debunking abstinence education mentioned in the beginning of the article. it seemed like a gleeful declaration of victory by those espousing 'safe sex'. when will people learn that sex always has consequences, and is beautiful only in within the loving embrace of marriage?
any thoughts?
thought i should put it up.
it's an interview with jason evert of catholic answers
read it here
it's from zenit
i think i remember reading in the newspaper about the study debunking abstinence education mentioned in the beginning of the article. it seemed like a gleeful declaration of victory by those espousing 'safe sex'. when will people learn that sex always has consequences, and is beautiful only in within the loving embrace of marriage?
any thoughts?
Friday, July 13, 2007
comparing big tobacco and big sodomy
read another article of the conservative kind
so, would like to foist it upon you
this is from worldnetdaily
personally, i think we've got a long way to go before this demon is demolished
so, would like to foist it upon you
this is from worldnetdaily
personally, i think we've got a long way to go before this demon is demolished
robin williams' jokes on the pedophilia scandal
hi,
wasn't really planning to post again today, but stumbled on this article by tim graham at newsbusters
unfair, really, what celebrities are allowed to do and get away with
wasn't really planning to post again today, but stumbled on this article by tim graham at newsbusters
unfair, really, what celebrities are allowed to do and get away with
friday the thirteenth of july- ah, the memories!
it's friday, the thirteenth of july
and i'm wondering about the last time it was friday the thirteenth of july, back in 2001
it was a weird day.
i had a foot which was hurting badly after getting injured with a rusted iron nail and after stuffing it into tight leather shoes for two days for impression's sake
i had a very heavy suitcase i'd been lugging around for almost a week now
i had just been accepted into a very prestigious medical school
i had barely enough money to buy the cheapest of bare essentials to start surviving in a new town
i had just said goodbye to the last person i knew and was about to be all alone in an alien town, with an alien language, among totally alien people, for the first time really away from home.
i was having all sorts of apprehensions that now, seem so hilarious
who'd have known that it was the beginning of a wonderful journey
five wonderful years of college life lived, and enjoyed, to the hilt
six years in which, i believe i've grown up, and hopefully, grown into a better person
so many wonderful friends made
a small town in the middle of nowhere with nothing to recommend it, and yet me becoming so comfortable with it, that i now contemplate staying here for a long time to come
oh, the memories
do you remember when we all used to get together every week to pray and sing and dance?
do you remember when we all used to sit up late at night making inane contraptions for some program or the other?
do you remember the effort we put into all those sports, dumb charades, quizzes, dances and music?
do you remember standing on stage having won the annual music competition?
do you remember those long night-walks all over the campus?
do you remember gas-sessions?
do you remember bush-hunting?
do you remember the class meetings? the arguments? the hammer on the lecture tables?
do you remember the hill-top retreats?
do you remember the tears shed on the last hill, when we talked late into the night?
do you remember songs like "i know a place" or "milk"or "jambalaya" or the 'grease' tunes?
do you remember the bus-rides with roof-banging, foot-tapping carlos santana tunes?
do you remember how even the pop-haters used to join in and sing christina aguilera songs just because the class was doing it?
do you remember dinners in small joints and posh rooftops?
do you remember easter sunrise on top of a hill?
do you remember the water fights in the bus and the lecture rooms?
do you remember being thrown into a pool on your birthday, or the midnight party?
do you remember the three traditional questions?
do you remember christmas carol rounds?
do you remember dressing up in out-landish clothes, or dressing your juniors up?
do you remember imitating teachers?
do you remember sleeping in stuffy classrooms?
do you remember the long hours in library before the exams with the short stress-buster breaks in between?
do you remember making noodles, or getting coffee to stay up and study?
do you remember starting internship knowing next to nothing?
do you remember saying goodbye to your best friends?
do i remember?
how could i ever forget!
thank you B.O.N.O., there's no one like you!
and i'm wondering about the last time it was friday the thirteenth of july, back in 2001
it was a weird day.
i had a foot which was hurting badly after getting injured with a rusted iron nail and after stuffing it into tight leather shoes for two days for impression's sake
i had a very heavy suitcase i'd been lugging around for almost a week now
i had just been accepted into a very prestigious medical school
i had barely enough money to buy the cheapest of bare essentials to start surviving in a new town
i had just said goodbye to the last person i knew and was about to be all alone in an alien town, with an alien language, among totally alien people, for the first time really away from home.
i was having all sorts of apprehensions that now, seem so hilarious
who'd have known that it was the beginning of a wonderful journey
five wonderful years of college life lived, and enjoyed, to the hilt
six years in which, i believe i've grown up, and hopefully, grown into a better person
so many wonderful friends made
a small town in the middle of nowhere with nothing to recommend it, and yet me becoming so comfortable with it, that i now contemplate staying here for a long time to come
oh, the memories
do you remember when we all used to get together every week to pray and sing and dance?
do you remember when we all used to sit up late at night making inane contraptions for some program or the other?
do you remember the effort we put into all those sports, dumb charades, quizzes, dances and music?
do you remember standing on stage having won the annual music competition?
do you remember those long night-walks all over the campus?
do you remember gas-sessions?
do you remember bush-hunting?
do you remember the class meetings? the arguments? the hammer on the lecture tables?
do you remember the hill-top retreats?
do you remember the tears shed on the last hill, when we talked late into the night?
do you remember songs like "i know a place" or "milk"or "jambalaya" or the 'grease' tunes?
do you remember the bus-rides with roof-banging, foot-tapping carlos santana tunes?
do you remember how even the pop-haters used to join in and sing christina aguilera songs just because the class was doing it?
do you remember dinners in small joints and posh rooftops?
do you remember easter sunrise on top of a hill?
do you remember the water fights in the bus and the lecture rooms?
do you remember being thrown into a pool on your birthday, or the midnight party?
do you remember the three traditional questions?
do you remember christmas carol rounds?
do you remember dressing up in out-landish clothes, or dressing your juniors up?
do you remember imitating teachers?
do you remember sleeping in stuffy classrooms?
do you remember the long hours in library before the exams with the short stress-buster breaks in between?
do you remember making noodles, or getting coffee to stay up and study?
do you remember starting internship knowing next to nothing?
do you remember saying goodbye to your best friends?
do i remember?
how could i ever forget!
thank you B.O.N.O., there's no one like you!
a friend has come visiting
yesterday,
one of my very good friends came visiting.
today, i feel like telling you about her, and about how we became friends
a person who's existed at the periphery of your consciousness for five whole years, whom you barely know, with whom all conversation is polite small-talk; would you expect such a person to become a close friend? i don't think so.
i guess i have my wretched (or in this case, blessed) sense of humour to thank for this wonderful occurrence.
so here's this person who was in my class all the years of medical school, and yet i barely knew, except as the friend of a friend.
it happened in internship, when we were never even posted together
i was in the main hospital, and she was a few miles away, at a small health centre.
i don't know which one of us made the call, and i certainly don't know why the call was made. as a humorous end-piece to the usual polite conversation, i cracked a joke about her missing her boyfriend, who was also in the main hospital. and there the conversation ended. five minutes later, i got a message from her telling me that her relationship had been long over, and that it hurt to be reminded of it. i was mortified. i seriously contemplated just burying my head in the deepest sand-pit and avoiding her completely, so embarrassed was i.
i thank God i chose to call her instead to apologise. we started talking again, but this time, the talk had real substance. and we haven't stopped talking since.
the 1 year of internship saw us grow so close, that a lot of people were quite sure we were attaching ourselves to each other 'on the rebound', considering i too was commonly thought to be recently jilted.
but who cares? why should i go around explaining to everyone?
both of us are still amazed at this friendship, and the way it came about
thanks, dear friend, for being there through some very lousy times.
but she had to go. at the end of internship, she went off to a small hospital in a far-off place to work for two years.
and that's how, after 3 months there, she's come to visit.
it was so wonderful to see her standing here again.
here's to you, radiance and brightness, may your life be full of them
one of my very good friends came visiting.
today, i feel like telling you about her, and about how we became friends
a person who's existed at the periphery of your consciousness for five whole years, whom you barely know, with whom all conversation is polite small-talk; would you expect such a person to become a close friend? i don't think so.
i guess i have my wretched (or in this case, blessed) sense of humour to thank for this wonderful occurrence.
so here's this person who was in my class all the years of medical school, and yet i barely knew, except as the friend of a friend.
it happened in internship, when we were never even posted together
i was in the main hospital, and she was a few miles away, at a small health centre.
i don't know which one of us made the call, and i certainly don't know why the call was made. as a humorous end-piece to the usual polite conversation, i cracked a joke about her missing her boyfriend, who was also in the main hospital. and there the conversation ended. five minutes later, i got a message from her telling me that her relationship had been long over, and that it hurt to be reminded of it. i was mortified. i seriously contemplated just burying my head in the deepest sand-pit and avoiding her completely, so embarrassed was i.
i thank God i chose to call her instead to apologise. we started talking again, but this time, the talk had real substance. and we haven't stopped talking since.
the 1 year of internship saw us grow so close, that a lot of people were quite sure we were attaching ourselves to each other 'on the rebound', considering i too was commonly thought to be recently jilted.
but who cares? why should i go around explaining to everyone?
both of us are still amazed at this friendship, and the way it came about
thanks, dear friend, for being there through some very lousy times.
but she had to go. at the end of internship, she went off to a small hospital in a far-off place to work for two years.
and that's how, after 3 months there, she's come to visit.
it was so wonderful to see her standing here again.
here's to you, radiance and brightness, may your life be full of them
11th July- R.I.P. my friend
when i was in school, back in the big city, i had very few friends. mostly just the kind you hung around with in classes, and shared your lunch with. nothing close or intimate. no baring of the soul, no sharing of thoughts and secrets.
then he came along. funny, we were not even in the same school. we met in church. i don't even remember how we became friends, just that i soon realised how important he was to me. i wonder whether our bond was stronger or weaker because of the fact that we both had almighty crushes on the same girl.
he was always the 'life of the party' kind of guy (i say "kind of" because at that time, i never had attended any parties; those came in college) and had all the smooth moves. he was, to put it simply, comfortable with himself. i was the exact opposite. when nervous, i used to swing between two extremes- absolute lips-glued-together or total tongue-wagging-with-no-sense-of-direction. and yet, he never felt i was below his standards of cool.
he was a lovely singer. people wanted him in the choir all the time. no one asked me, on the other hand. i should have gotten the hint. but he always used to make me sing with him. and till i was with him, i never realized what a lousy singer i was. some of my best memories with him are those of walking down a road just singing any popular melody.
what sealed our friendship was the discovery of God together at a charismatic retreat. how does one explain that bond to someone else?
sure we fought once in a while, but who doesn't? for three years, he was my soul-mate.
then i came off to college in this small town.
it really took some time to find new friends.
for the next four years, we kept in touch through mail and over the phone.
the last time i met him was when i went home for christmas in the fourth year of college. i didn't even know he'd be coming over from his college elsewhere. but he had news. he was going away, to new zealand. his parents had moved, and so would he. it was goodbye.
i knew then, that i would probably never see him again. sure, i promised myself i would one day earn enough to go there and meet him. but somehow, i knew it wouldn't happen.
so we kept in touch by mail again. he seemed to like the place.
i was in the last year of medical school, presenting a surgery case to a rather odious lecturer, while my friends all stood around, some barely concealing boredom, other furiously taking down notes. and my mobile was buzzing away. there was no way i was going to pick it up then.
the class ended and i made my way back muttering about the lecturer and wondering why he had to be like himself. then i remembered the missed call. it was from someone back in the big city. i called up.
he had died in a car accident- july 11th, 2005.
i remember walking down the corridors of the hospital with tears streaming down my face, and with "no" on my lips. i remember my classmate watching me get into the bus and asking jovially why i was looking as if someone had died.
i remember making my first ever international phone call to speak to his parents. well, i didn't speak. how does one speak to a man and woman who've just lost both their children in one fell blow (his younger brother was with him in the car)? but i did cry. and all his mother said was, "your friend's gone, isn't he?"
not a day goes by when i don't wonder- why him, or pray for his soul
ETERNAL REST GRANT TO HIM, O LORD; AND MAY THE SOULS OF THE FAITHFUL DEPARTED, THROUGH THE MERCY OF GOD, REST IN PEACE, AMEN.
then he came along. funny, we were not even in the same school. we met in church. i don't even remember how we became friends, just that i soon realised how important he was to me. i wonder whether our bond was stronger or weaker because of the fact that we both had almighty crushes on the same girl.
he was always the 'life of the party' kind of guy (i say "kind of" because at that time, i never had attended any parties; those came in college) and had all the smooth moves. he was, to put it simply, comfortable with himself. i was the exact opposite. when nervous, i used to swing between two extremes- absolute lips-glued-together or total tongue-wagging-with-no-sense-of-direction. and yet, he never felt i was below his standards of cool.
he was a lovely singer. people wanted him in the choir all the time. no one asked me, on the other hand. i should have gotten the hint. but he always used to make me sing with him. and till i was with him, i never realized what a lousy singer i was. some of my best memories with him are those of walking down a road just singing any popular melody.
what sealed our friendship was the discovery of God together at a charismatic retreat. how does one explain that bond to someone else?
sure we fought once in a while, but who doesn't? for three years, he was my soul-mate.
then i came off to college in this small town.
it really took some time to find new friends.
for the next four years, we kept in touch through mail and over the phone.
the last time i met him was when i went home for christmas in the fourth year of college. i didn't even know he'd be coming over from his college elsewhere. but he had news. he was going away, to new zealand. his parents had moved, and so would he. it was goodbye.
i knew then, that i would probably never see him again. sure, i promised myself i would one day earn enough to go there and meet him. but somehow, i knew it wouldn't happen.
so we kept in touch by mail again. he seemed to like the place.
i was in the last year of medical school, presenting a surgery case to a rather odious lecturer, while my friends all stood around, some barely concealing boredom, other furiously taking down notes. and my mobile was buzzing away. there was no way i was going to pick it up then.
the class ended and i made my way back muttering about the lecturer and wondering why he had to be like himself. then i remembered the missed call. it was from someone back in the big city. i called up.
he had died in a car accident- july 11th, 2005.
i remember walking down the corridors of the hospital with tears streaming down my face, and with "no" on my lips. i remember my classmate watching me get into the bus and asking jovially why i was looking as if someone had died.
i remember making my first ever international phone call to speak to his parents. well, i didn't speak. how does one speak to a man and woman who've just lost both their children in one fell blow (his younger brother was with him in the car)? but i did cry. and all his mother said was, "your friend's gone, isn't he?"
not a day goes by when i don't wonder- why him, or pray for his soul
ETERNAL REST GRANT TO HIM, O LORD; AND MAY THE SOULS OF THE FAITHFUL DEPARTED, THROUGH THE MERCY OF GOD, REST IN PEACE, AMEN.
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