was describing to the best friend how the day went, and it started me off on a train of thought that's......., well, for want of a better phrase, thought-provoking.
and the best friend threatened to blog about it if i did not.
so i have, by verbal acclaim, and depending on said person's honesty, declared my right and my intention (though fulfilled very late) to blog about the issue.
was telling him how much i dreaded working with one particular senior colleague in my department. well, i just found out that i'll be doing a 24-hour duty with that person in a few days time. and already, i can't stop thinking about it.
so why do i dread working with the guy?
well, truth is, he was my senior in medical school, and we lived in the same hostel. as things were not too long ago, seniors had a lot of freedom to behave as they felt like with freshers. and this guy, and his bunch made life miserable for me in my first year in medical school.
i guess things were magnified by the fact that i was all of 17, away from home for the first time, in a new culture and environment. still, i never look back to those incidents with any sort of peace or happiness. i just can't seem to forget the nasty behaviour (do i sound like a sissy, or a victorian lady about to swoon?).
but i realised something important about myself as i was describing all this aloud.
i realised that all this while, i kept saying that i dreaded working with the guy because he was pretty nasty to me, and that he surely hated me for one reason or the other.
what was not said, was that 'he hates me' is just a "christian's" way of saying 'i hate him'.
i don't mean all you lovely christians out there, i mean me, the one who keeps trying to be christian, but never succeeds.
and yes, i realized i do hate him for making me miserable so long ago.
is that so wrong? i think it is wrong, but right now, i can't help it.
maybe i'll get the strength to get over it sometime, and look beyond what was miserable in life, to what was, and is, wonderful in life.
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
nothing happened, again
as i mentioned previously, was not looking forward to discussing the contraception issue with my senior on sunday evening.
but as it turned out, the patient never turned up for surgery!
so monday has been rather predictable. not unpleasant, and reasonably predictable.
thank you, o one who watches from up above. and thank you all who pray for my peace of mind.
had been telling my brother about my fears over the phone. those who know my brother know that we're chalk and cheese, that we don't think alike on most issues. but over the past 5-6 years, since i've left home, i've often found him to be my best support in any kind of situation. and even on this issue, he never told me i was being ridiculous, or to drop the whole thing; he never told me i was right either, but he never told me to back down. he was just quietly supportive- 'stick it out,' he said, 'because i know you want to, don't you?'
but as it turned out, the patient never turned up for surgery!
so monday has been rather predictable. not unpleasant, and reasonably predictable.
thank you, o one who watches from up above. and thank you all who pray for my peace of mind.
had been telling my brother about my fears over the phone. those who know my brother know that we're chalk and cheese, that we don't think alike on most issues. but over the past 5-6 years, since i've left home, i've often found him to be my best support in any kind of situation. and even on this issue, he never told me i was being ridiculous, or to drop the whole thing; he never told me i was right either, but he never told me to back down. he was just quietly supportive- 'stick it out,' he said, 'because i know you want to, don't you?'
Saturday, August 25, 2007
a test of faith
i've been describing in some of my previous posts the crisis of faith i've been having. well, now i'm up against a test of faith. i need fortitude to stand up to it. so listen to my story, and pray for me.
on monday, i was posted to provide anaesthesia for 4 cases of sterilization/ caesarean with sterilization. i knew i'd have to refuse. and there lies the trouble. in the medical hierarchy (or probably in any hierarchy), refusing to do what a superior tells you to is considered......, well it's just not done. the thought of the consequences to my further academic prospects if someone decided to take offense, is rather unnerving.
but the decision had been made; so i steeled myself up, prayed desperately, rehearsed appropriate lines, and went to see the patients. having seen them, i reported their condition to my assigned senior anaesthetist, and proceeded to tell him about my 'problem'- that i would not be joining in the cases due to a religious belief. thankfully, my senior was a rather nice guy, and he just spoke to the senior anaesthetist in the adjoining theatre, and they exchanged juniors for the day. i'm thankful to them for their tolerance and to my fellow junior, who suddenly found herself lumped with another's cases.
and now it's happening again. on monday (is their something inauspicious about mondays?), i am again posted for a sterilization case. this time, the senior is not a nice guy. in fact, it is one of my seniors from medical school days who made life miserable for me in my first year. he detested me (why? that's another story).
i've been thinking, why do i keep telling myself that he dislikes me and that is why we can't get along? truth is, i detest what he did to me and the way he treated me all those years ago, and have never been comfortble around him. so yes, maybe i hate him too, but i'm quite sure he's going to be extremely cheesed off at my refusal and he won't be mincing words expressing himself.
and so it starts all over again. the sinking feeling in my chest, the nerving up to face a situation that makes me feel like a nerveless jellybean, the fear of consequences, about how i'll face all the reprimands and comments,.....
the last three times the situation arose, nothing happened. while in internship in obstetrics and gynaecology, and in community health, i refused to perform or assist in sterilization. then too, i was quaking in my boots thinking about possible repercussions. but nothing happened, thanks be to god.
which is why my best friend told me that nothing is likely to happen, that people are likely to respect freedom of religion and tolerate my actions (even if they consider it extremely ridiculous and medieval). i hope that is so. i fervently hope that is so, but my heart never fails to do cartwheels and settle somewhere under my intestines whenever the thought strikes.
i'm not at all worried about not being able to explain the teaching of the church to people, because honestly, even i find it difficult to understand and even more, to express. i know that even if i tried, i could not even begin to hope to convince anyone with my current level of understanding about the reasons contraception is wrong. my main reason, from the beginning, has been that i believe in majesterial infallibility (understood in it's correct sense, not in the caricature always presented by less-informed people).
as usual, the inexperienced writer does not know how to put together a piece with it's usual parts- beginning, body, and end. i feel, that literally, i've waded into something and don't know how to get out of it (this article, i mean). so pray for me, that god will put to rest my fears, and teach me to trust in him to provide all i need.
on monday, i was posted to provide anaesthesia for 4 cases of sterilization/ caesarean with sterilization. i knew i'd have to refuse. and there lies the trouble. in the medical hierarchy (or probably in any hierarchy), refusing to do what a superior tells you to is considered......, well it's just not done. the thought of the consequences to my further academic prospects if someone decided to take offense, is rather unnerving.
but the decision had been made; so i steeled myself up, prayed desperately, rehearsed appropriate lines, and went to see the patients. having seen them, i reported their condition to my assigned senior anaesthetist, and proceeded to tell him about my 'problem'- that i would not be joining in the cases due to a religious belief. thankfully, my senior was a rather nice guy, and he just spoke to the senior anaesthetist in the adjoining theatre, and they exchanged juniors for the day. i'm thankful to them for their tolerance and to my fellow junior, who suddenly found herself lumped with another's cases.
and now it's happening again. on monday (is their something inauspicious about mondays?), i am again posted for a sterilization case. this time, the senior is not a nice guy. in fact, it is one of my seniors from medical school days who made life miserable for me in my first year. he detested me (why? that's another story).
i've been thinking, why do i keep telling myself that he dislikes me and that is why we can't get along? truth is, i detest what he did to me and the way he treated me all those years ago, and have never been comfortble around him. so yes, maybe i hate him too, but i'm quite sure he's going to be extremely cheesed off at my refusal and he won't be mincing words expressing himself.
and so it starts all over again. the sinking feeling in my chest, the nerving up to face a situation that makes me feel like a nerveless jellybean, the fear of consequences, about how i'll face all the reprimands and comments,.....
the last three times the situation arose, nothing happened. while in internship in obstetrics and gynaecology, and in community health, i refused to perform or assist in sterilization. then too, i was quaking in my boots thinking about possible repercussions. but nothing happened, thanks be to god.
which is why my best friend told me that nothing is likely to happen, that people are likely to respect freedom of religion and tolerate my actions (even if they consider it extremely ridiculous and medieval). i hope that is so. i fervently hope that is so, but my heart never fails to do cartwheels and settle somewhere under my intestines whenever the thought strikes.
i'm not at all worried about not being able to explain the teaching of the church to people, because honestly, even i find it difficult to understand and even more, to express. i know that even if i tried, i could not even begin to hope to convince anyone with my current level of understanding about the reasons contraception is wrong. my main reason, from the beginning, has been that i believe in majesterial infallibility (understood in it's correct sense, not in the caricature always presented by less-informed people).
as usual, the inexperienced writer does not know how to put together a piece with it's usual parts- beginning, body, and end. i feel, that literally, i've waded into something and don't know how to get out of it (this article, i mean). so pray for me, that god will put to rest my fears, and teach me to trust in him to provide all i need.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
people have problems
yes, everyone has problems
and some of them make mine seem inconsequential in comparison
it's really humbling to see people get on with their lives despite all their problems.
and the funny thing is, i would never know some of these till they told me about it. not that i could do anything about it having come to know about it.
take for example a middle-aged doctor working in my hospital. he's good at his work, and a very jovial person; also a good teacher. the other day he asked me to try and get some information for him related to getting his medical degrees and diplomas attested so he could go work elsewhere. so the usual thoughts go through my head- probably wants to make more money. not in a judgemental sense, but in a matter-of-fact way. belive me, where i come from, it's perfectly understandable that people want to go elsewhere for better financial returns for their hard work. later the story came out. he had a son with chronic renal failure with a failed transplant. all these years of treating the renal failure and transplant rejection was obviously a big financial strain. so his wife decided to start working elsewhere to make ends meet. once she left, the boy became moody and difficult, and refused to eat or take his medicines. so now, he too wants to go join his wife with his family.
and you'd never know that there was a tragedy of this magnitude behind the smiling face, and competent professionalism. and what about the courage to deal with all this for so long?
almost makes you question god's judgement on the trials he puts some people through.
teach me to trust. lord, that all things will be made beautiful in your time.
and some of them make mine seem inconsequential in comparison
it's really humbling to see people get on with their lives despite all their problems.
and the funny thing is, i would never know some of these till they told me about it. not that i could do anything about it having come to know about it.
take for example a middle-aged doctor working in my hospital. he's good at his work, and a very jovial person; also a good teacher. the other day he asked me to try and get some information for him related to getting his medical degrees and diplomas attested so he could go work elsewhere. so the usual thoughts go through my head- probably wants to make more money. not in a judgemental sense, but in a matter-of-fact way. belive me, where i come from, it's perfectly understandable that people want to go elsewhere for better financial returns for their hard work. later the story came out. he had a son with chronic renal failure with a failed transplant. all these years of treating the renal failure and transplant rejection was obviously a big financial strain. so his wife decided to start working elsewhere to make ends meet. once she left, the boy became moody and difficult, and refused to eat or take his medicines. so now, he too wants to go join his wife with his family.
and you'd never know that there was a tragedy of this magnitude behind the smiling face, and competent professionalism. and what about the courage to deal with all this for so long?
almost makes you question god's judgement on the trials he puts some people through.
teach me to trust. lord, that all things will be made beautiful in your time.
jeremiah 7 scares me
my daily reading brought me to the book of jeremiah a few days ago, and in due course of time, i reached chapter 7. frankly, it scares me. read on:
The word that came to Jeremias from the Lord, saying: Stand in the gate of the house of the Lord, and proclaim there this word, and say: Hear ye the word of the Lord, all ye men of Juda, that enter in at these gates, to adore the Lord. Thus saith the Lord of hosts the God of Israel: Make your ways and your doings good: and I will dwell with you in this place. Trust not in lying words, saying: The temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord, it is the temple of the Lord. For if you will order well your ways, and your doings: if you will execute judgment between a man and his neighbour, if you oppress not the stranger, the fatherless, and the widow, and shed not innocent blood in this place, and walk not after strange gods to your own hurt, I will dwell with you in this place: in the land, which I gave to your fathers from the beginning and for evermore. Behold you put your trust in lying words, which shall not profit you: To steal, to murder, to commit adultery, to swear falsely, to offer to Baalim, and to go after strange gods, which you know not. And you have come, and stood before me in this house, in which my name is called upon, and have said: We are delivered, because we have done all these abominations. Is this house then, in which my name hath been called upon, in your eyes become a den of robbers? I, I am he: I have seen it, saith the Lord. Go ye to my place in Silo, where my name dwelt from the beginning: and see what I did to it for the wickedness of my people Israel: And now, because you have done all these works, saith the Lord: and I have spoken to you rising up early, and speaking, and you have not heard: and I have called you, and you have not answered: I will do to this house, in which my name is called upon, and in which you trust, and to the place which I have given you and your fathers, as I did to Silo.
(from the douay-rheims-challoner version)
The word that came to Jeremias from the Lord, saying: Stand in the gate of the house of the Lord, and proclaim there this word, and say: Hear ye the word of the Lord, all ye men of Juda, that enter in at these gates, to adore the Lord. Thus saith the Lord of hosts the God of Israel: Make your ways and your doings good: and I will dwell with you in this place. Trust not in lying words, saying: The temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord, it is the temple of the Lord. For if you will order well your ways, and your doings: if you will execute judgment between a man and his neighbour, if you oppress not the stranger, the fatherless, and the widow, and shed not innocent blood in this place, and walk not after strange gods to your own hurt, I will dwell with you in this place: in the land, which I gave to your fathers from the beginning and for evermore. Behold you put your trust in lying words, which shall not profit you: To steal, to murder, to commit adultery, to swear falsely, to offer to Baalim, and to go after strange gods, which you know not. And you have come, and stood before me in this house, in which my name is called upon, and have said: We are delivered, because we have done all these abominations. Is this house then, in which my name hath been called upon, in your eyes become a den of robbers? I, I am he: I have seen it, saith the Lord. Go ye to my place in Silo, where my name dwelt from the beginning: and see what I did to it for the wickedness of my people Israel: And now, because you have done all these works, saith the Lord: and I have spoken to you rising up early, and speaking, and you have not heard: and I have called you, and you have not answered: I will do to this house, in which my name is called upon, and in which you trust, and to the place which I have given you and your fathers, as I did to Silo.
(from the douay-rheims-challoner version)
Monday, August 6, 2007
pascal and the god-shaped hole
pascal once wrote that there is a god-shaped hole in each one's heart
how true that is!
and to think that i believed it in theory all these years, and now, suddenly, am finding myself on the wrong end of the thought
the implication being, of course, that only god can satisfactorily fill that hole in our hearts, and anything else we try to shove in, will only be like a square peg in a round hole.
so here i am, thinking that perhaps, i need to clean my room; or get back to studying regularly; or exercise regularly; or eat healthy; or declare my love; or a million other things
what my mind is conveniently, or rather eagerly, ignoring is that i need to get right with my maker again.
is it tough?
you betcha!
but is it what needs to be done?
oh yeah.
no matter how many times the prodigal son walks away, the father will be found waiting at the gate for him to come back.
so pray for me that i may go back to my father's house, where even the servants live in love and comfort; whereas i wallow with pigs
how true that is!
and to think that i believed it in theory all these years, and now, suddenly, am finding myself on the wrong end of the thought
the implication being, of course, that only god can satisfactorily fill that hole in our hearts, and anything else we try to shove in, will only be like a square peg in a round hole.
so here i am, thinking that perhaps, i need to clean my room; or get back to studying regularly; or exercise regularly; or eat healthy; or declare my love; or a million other things
what my mind is conveniently, or rather eagerly, ignoring is that i need to get right with my maker again.
is it tough?
you betcha!
but is it what needs to be done?
oh yeah.
no matter how many times the prodigal son walks away, the father will be found waiting at the gate for him to come back.
so pray for me that i may go back to my father's house, where even the servants live in love and comfort; whereas i wallow with pigs
Sunday, July 22, 2007
i hate my work
you might wonder at the title.
here i was all happy with my work and the challenges involved, and all of a sudden, you see me complaining.
well, i don't exactly hate the particular work i'm doing.
what i do hate is what my work does to me and does not let me do.
i don't have the freedom i used to. most of how i spend my time is dictated by my work.
when i was in medical school (seems so far away, doesn't it? it's actually been only a little over a year), there was more freedom.
i could cut class whenever i wanted. i remember cutting class the whole day just to watch all three episodes of LOTR (lord of the rings) at a stretch on my friend's computer. or sitting and playing extremely out-of-date versions of need for speed.
those were the days.
now, i have to be inside theatre almost before others have to be inside the loo. and i have to stay there till the last patient is safely transferred out. and the good lord save the junior anaesthetist seen with a mobile phone or book in the hand inside theatre!
was just reminded of these things when a friend of mine was going through a tough time and i could not contact her because of all these constraints. at that moment, i really wanted to be with her, or at least call her. we could, and did, liberally cut class when a friend needed something back in medical school. now it's just not possible.
wonder if 'those were the best days of my life' and they really will never come back?
here i was all happy with my work and the challenges involved, and all of a sudden, you see me complaining.
well, i don't exactly hate the particular work i'm doing.
what i do hate is what my work does to me and does not let me do.
i don't have the freedom i used to. most of how i spend my time is dictated by my work.
when i was in medical school (seems so far away, doesn't it? it's actually been only a little over a year), there was more freedom.
i could cut class whenever i wanted. i remember cutting class the whole day just to watch all three episodes of LOTR (lord of the rings) at a stretch on my friend's computer. or sitting and playing extremely out-of-date versions of need for speed.
those were the days.
now, i have to be inside theatre almost before others have to be inside the loo. and i have to stay there till the last patient is safely transferred out. and the good lord save the junior anaesthetist seen with a mobile phone or book in the hand inside theatre!
was just reminded of these things when a friend of mine was going through a tough time and i could not contact her because of all these constraints. at that moment, i really wanted to be with her, or at least call her. we could, and did, liberally cut class when a friend needed something back in medical school. now it's just not possible.
wonder if 'those were the best days of my life' and they really will never come back?
Saturday, July 21, 2007
i took the book quiz too
You're Confessions!
by St. Augustine
You're a sinner, you're a saint, you do not feel ashamed. Well, you
might feel a little ashamed of your past, but it did such a good job of teaching you
what not to do. Now you've become a devout Christian and have spent more time
ruminating on the world to come rather than worldly pleasures. Your realizations and
ability to change will bring reverence upon you despite your hedonistic transgressions.
Florida will honor you most in the end.
Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.
it is pretty interesting, i must admit.
the characterization does ring a bell.
but i wonder how whether i like the british isles has anything to do with anything other than my (non-existent) tourist activity?
and hey, does this mean all humans can be characterized into 64 groups?
somehow, i believe we're much more diverse than that.
and who exactly is florida??!!
Saturday, June 30, 2007
why is faith so difficult?
why is faith so difficult to have?
why should i have to struggle to keep up my faith?
why do i keep sinning despite wanting not to?
why do i feel like a total failure?
there was a time when i didn't have a faith. my mother had taught me some prayers to be said by rote, without my having the foggiest idea what they were all about. it did not matter, it was a minor demand on a teenager's time, just to keep the peace. so was going to church and responding during mass, and singing the songs.
church was also a social affair. got to see girls!!!!!! (yes, i studied in a boys school) and to talk with friends while going and coming back. even enjoyed to fun of the youth groups.
then came a time when faith came, and it came easy.
jesus said i love you, and i said the same to him. i felt good about myself. i could turn to prayer at any opportunity. it was wonderful. everything seemed to be going right. i felt peace, i felt joy and happiness, i felt jesus.
then where did it all go? how did it slip away?
why is it that i don't feel his presence any longer? why is that the temptations come thick and fast?
it's all i can do to try and fight them.
i feel like a frightened man, leaning his back for dear life against the door, while a giant monster wants to enter the room. i sweat, i tremble, and i shiver. i send up prayers asking for the monster to go away. but then i feel like letting go, standing limp, and letting the monster in.
so i do exactly that.
then come the reproaches (yes, like in the hymn)
i feel lousy about myself, i hate myself, and curse myself. i decide, i have to get back to the lord. but then again, i'm too tired. it seems like a never ending cycle of sin-remorse-confession-sin. sometimes i think to myself, just give up trying. don't even bother.
what have i achieved in all these years of straining against a leash too thick to break or chew off, other than a sore neck?
where's the jesus who promised to ease my burdens just when they became too much to bear? doesn't he see me collpase under the weight?
then the theory and the platitudes kick in:
- it's my fault for not trusting in him, and trusting only in myself
- it's not true that the burden is too much; i'm just too weak for it
- god loves me and won't try me more than i can handle
and many more
i'm tired right now. i want to give it all up, to hang up my boots, and call it a day
so long, and thanks for all the......?
why should i have to struggle to keep up my faith?
why do i keep sinning despite wanting not to?
why do i feel like a total failure?
there was a time when i didn't have a faith. my mother had taught me some prayers to be said by rote, without my having the foggiest idea what they were all about. it did not matter, it was a minor demand on a teenager's time, just to keep the peace. so was going to church and responding during mass, and singing the songs.
church was also a social affair. got to see girls!!!!!! (yes, i studied in a boys school) and to talk with friends while going and coming back. even enjoyed to fun of the youth groups.
then came a time when faith came, and it came easy.
jesus said i love you, and i said the same to him. i felt good about myself. i could turn to prayer at any opportunity. it was wonderful. everything seemed to be going right. i felt peace, i felt joy and happiness, i felt jesus.
then where did it all go? how did it slip away?
why is it that i don't feel his presence any longer? why is that the temptations come thick and fast?
it's all i can do to try and fight them.
i feel like a frightened man, leaning his back for dear life against the door, while a giant monster wants to enter the room. i sweat, i tremble, and i shiver. i send up prayers asking for the monster to go away. but then i feel like letting go, standing limp, and letting the monster in.
so i do exactly that.
then come the reproaches (yes, like in the hymn)
i feel lousy about myself, i hate myself, and curse myself. i decide, i have to get back to the lord. but then again, i'm too tired. it seems like a never ending cycle of sin-remorse-confession-sin. sometimes i think to myself, just give up trying. don't even bother.
what have i achieved in all these years of straining against a leash too thick to break or chew off, other than a sore neck?
where's the jesus who promised to ease my burdens just when they became too much to bear? doesn't he see me collpase under the weight?
then the theory and the platitudes kick in:
- it's my fault for not trusting in him, and trusting only in myself
- it's not true that the burden is too much; i'm just too weak for it
- god loves me and won't try me more than i can handle
and many more
i'm tired right now. i want to give it all up, to hang up my boots, and call it a day
so long, and thanks for all the......?
Saturday, June 16, 2007
what is home?
hello thin air!!!!!
am back after a gluttonous and slothful week spent at home
did nothing but sit and talk with my mother and brother, and eat a lot (so what's new, you ask? ok, fair point.) and watch a lot of mindless television
been wondering about something for quite some time now, in fact since i came to college.
been wondering what home is.
i once thought up a rather cheeky phrase which i thought was true: HOME IS WHERE ONE UNPACKS
sounds reasonable doesn't it? you stay at home, and pack up to go out, and return when your excursion is over, and unpack.
for the last 6 years, i've been unpacking here, and living off a suitcase at home
yes, my room was not preserved in pristine condition for me simply because......... there's not enough space.
i still remember when i used to live at home. me and my brother sharing that bedroom. we were really happy.
oh no, we weren't in love with each other or anything. just that after 15 years of living in a small house with one bedroom and a hall (and usually, there used to be at least 6 people cooped up there, sometimes upto 10), we were overjoyed at having something to call our own "space"
of course it wasn't perfect. my father always used to come into the room to read the newspaper in the mornings to save on electricity spent on fans and lights!!!! and the concept of individual privacy was not something my mother understood. she wanted to know about every phone call, etc (my brother and i are still trying to tell her about those concepts). nonetheless, it was ours, even if for a few precious hours (suddenly, i'm thinking: it rhymes!!!!! can i add another line ending with wars, arse, mars, cars, SARS, or whatever?)
my brother and i had our own bed, and a table in between, and the cupboards nicely demarcated.
the first time i returned home, the two beds had been joined, and my brother needed both to sleep on. well, of course i was free to use it, but the difference was there. when i opened the cupboards, it was full of his stuff.
and i....... lived off a suitcase.
and how can i blame him? why should he save up space for me?
i guess it was more quickly obvious to him that i had left home for good.
i never thought about it back then. but it dawned on me over the years, that i had left home for good.
by the end of next year, my mother will retire from her government job and will have to vacate the quarters (our home?). she'll move back to my parent's native place, my brother will remain in the big city about 2500 kilometres away, and i'll be here, in this small town in the middle of nowhere, but geographically somewhere in between these two.
so i know, that what i used to call home, will pretty much cease to exist in another 18 months or so.
and, 6 years later, the truth is that i feel more comfortable here; i have my own space here, my own privacy. maybe that's what i meant. after all, this is where i unpack, isn't it?
am back after a gluttonous and slothful week spent at home
did nothing but sit and talk with my mother and brother, and eat a lot (so what's new, you ask? ok, fair point.) and watch a lot of mindless television
been wondering about something for quite some time now, in fact since i came to college.
been wondering what home is.
i once thought up a rather cheeky phrase which i thought was true: HOME IS WHERE ONE UNPACKS
sounds reasonable doesn't it? you stay at home, and pack up to go out, and return when your excursion is over, and unpack.
for the last 6 years, i've been unpacking here, and living off a suitcase at home
yes, my room was not preserved in pristine condition for me simply because......... there's not enough space.
i still remember when i used to live at home. me and my brother sharing that bedroom. we were really happy.
oh no, we weren't in love with each other or anything. just that after 15 years of living in a small house with one bedroom and a hall (and usually, there used to be at least 6 people cooped up there, sometimes upto 10), we were overjoyed at having something to call our own "space"
of course it wasn't perfect. my father always used to come into the room to read the newspaper in the mornings to save on electricity spent on fans and lights!!!! and the concept of individual privacy was not something my mother understood. she wanted to know about every phone call, etc (my brother and i are still trying to tell her about those concepts). nonetheless, it was ours, even if for a few precious hours (suddenly, i'm thinking: it rhymes!!!!! can i add another line ending with wars, arse, mars, cars, SARS, or whatever?)
my brother and i had our own bed, and a table in between, and the cupboards nicely demarcated.
the first time i returned home, the two beds had been joined, and my brother needed both to sleep on. well, of course i was free to use it, but the difference was there. when i opened the cupboards, it was full of his stuff.
and i....... lived off a suitcase.
and how can i blame him? why should he save up space for me?
i guess it was more quickly obvious to him that i had left home for good.
i never thought about it back then. but it dawned on me over the years, that i had left home for good.
by the end of next year, my mother will retire from her government job and will have to vacate the quarters (our home?). she'll move back to my parent's native place, my brother will remain in the big city about 2500 kilometres away, and i'll be here, in this small town in the middle of nowhere, but geographically somewhere in between these two.
so i know, that what i used to call home, will pretty much cease to exist in another 18 months or so.
and, 6 years later, the truth is that i feel more comfortable here; i have my own space here, my own privacy. maybe that's what i meant. after all, this is where i unpack, isn't it?
Thursday, June 7, 2007
am going home!!!!!
i can barely wait!!!
am going home for one whole week!!!!
after 15 months of labour in this place, and not all of it enjoyable, am finally getting to go home.
and though home is big city, for me at least, access to the net is not as easy as here. so, you may not find me chipping in for about a week. but i promise, there will be lots to tell when i do return.
am going home for one whole week!!!!
after 15 months of labour in this place, and not all of it enjoyable, am finally getting to go home.
and though home is big city, for me at least, access to the net is not as easy as here. so, you may not find me chipping in for about a week. but i promise, there will be lots to tell when i do return.
Friday, May 11, 2007
got off early today
today was a good day for me.
as you may not know, i'm doing my post-graduation in anaesthesia.
was in urology theatre today
got to do an lma, a caudal block, 4 spinals, and my first epidural!!!!!!!!!!!
(clap, clap, clap)
plus, got off at 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the coming week is gonna be interesting.
will be carrying the cardiac arrest pager (bleep).
was wondering, how does one respond if one is in the loo? does one even take the pager to the loo? (well, i suppose you do if it's a cardiac arrest bleep)
on other areas, got up early today, but slept off again as it was too hot and i was too sleepy.
the top floor is not a good idea at all.
plus, did not go for mass in the morning.
did read the bible though.
it's really tough to maintain spirituality (is that the right word for it?) for any length of time for me. i feel very spiritually lax and give up too easily.
gotta keep it up this time (like i say everytime)
and, i gotta study, don't forget.
as you may not know, i'm doing my post-graduation in anaesthesia.
was in urology theatre today
got to do an lma, a caudal block, 4 spinals, and my first epidural!!!!!!!!!!!
(clap, clap, clap)
plus, got off at 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the coming week is gonna be interesting.
will be carrying the cardiac arrest pager (bleep).
was wondering, how does one respond if one is in the loo? does one even take the pager to the loo? (well, i suppose you do if it's a cardiac arrest bleep)
on other areas, got up early today, but slept off again as it was too hot and i was too sleepy.
the top floor is not a good idea at all.
plus, did not go for mass in the morning.
did read the bible though.
it's really tough to maintain spirituality (is that the right word for it?) for any length of time for me. i feel very spiritually lax and give up too easily.
gotta keep it up this time (like i say everytime)
and, i gotta study, don't forget.
am happy
met my best friend yesterday after a week. he'd gone home and just returned.
he said he was extremely envious of me, know why?
because i'm happy right now
extremely happy
when one starts studying towards a career, or working, one often wonders if one is on the right track, etc.
i've had my share of doubts
but right now, i'm so happy. i'm really enjoying my work, and there's so much to learn and do
people told me i'm a dolt for choosing this subject for my post-grad
they said it was a waste of brain power (thanks for the under-handed compliment, guys; i remember one person saying, "you could do so much more!")
they said it was something one did when they did not get any other stream, or when one did not want to work much, etc, etc etc ad infinitum supra nauseum
but what can i do, this is what i wanted,
this is what i liked
and by the grace of god almighty, right now, it seems to be clicking
hope my friend gets that way too, and soon.
it's not easy to see him feeling down. he's the one who lifts everyone else's spirits, keeps everyone laughing, etc
am stuck now, and wondering, is there a polite way to end a post or.....
i guess it's my space to do what i want, right?
he said he was extremely envious of me, know why?
because i'm happy right now
extremely happy
when one starts studying towards a career, or working, one often wonders if one is on the right track, etc.
i've had my share of doubts
but right now, i'm so happy. i'm really enjoying my work, and there's so much to learn and do
people told me i'm a dolt for choosing this subject for my post-grad
they said it was a waste of brain power (thanks for the under-handed compliment, guys; i remember one person saying, "you could do so much more!")
they said it was something one did when they did not get any other stream, or when one did not want to work much, etc, etc etc ad infinitum supra nauseum
but what can i do, this is what i wanted,
this is what i liked
and by the grace of god almighty, right now, it seems to be clicking
hope my friend gets that way too, and soon.
it's not easy to see him feeling down. he's the one who lifts everyone else's spirits, keeps everyone laughing, etc
am stuck now, and wondering, is there a polite way to end a post or.....
i guess it's my space to do what i want, right?
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