Saturday, June 30, 2007

why is faith so difficult?

why is faith so difficult to have?
why should i have to struggle to keep up my faith?
why do i keep sinning despite wanting not to?
why do i feel like a total failure?

there was a time when i didn't have a faith. my mother had taught me some prayers to be said by rote, without my having the foggiest idea what they were all about. it did not matter, it was a minor demand on a teenager's time, just to keep the peace. so was going to church and responding during mass, and singing the songs.
church was also a social affair. got to see girls!!!!!! (yes, i studied in a boys school) and to talk with friends while going and coming back. even enjoyed to fun of the youth groups.
then came a time when faith came, and it came easy.
jesus said i love you, and i said the same to him. i felt good about myself. i could turn to prayer at any opportunity. it was wonderful. everything seemed to be going right. i felt peace, i felt joy and happiness, i felt jesus.
then where did it all go? how did it slip away?
why is it that i don't feel his presence any longer? why is that the temptations come thick and fast?
it's all i can do to try and fight them.
i feel like a frightened man, leaning his back for dear life against the door, while a giant monster wants to enter the room. i sweat, i tremble, and i shiver. i send up prayers asking for the monster to go away. but then i feel like letting go, standing limp, and letting the monster in.
so i do exactly that.
then come the reproaches (yes, like in the hymn)
i feel lousy about myself, i hate myself, and curse myself. i decide, i have to get back to the lord. but then again, i'm too tired. it seems like a never ending cycle of sin-remorse-confession-sin. sometimes i think to myself, just give up trying. don't even bother.
what have i achieved in all these years of straining against a leash too thick to break or chew off, other than a sore neck?
where's the jesus who promised to ease my burdens just when they became too much to bear? doesn't he see me collpase under the weight?
then the theory and the platitudes kick in:
- it's my fault for not trusting in him, and trusting only in myself
- it's not true that the burden is too much; i'm just too weak for it
- god loves me and won't try me more than i can handle
and many more

i'm tired right now. i want to give it all up, to hang up my boots, and call it a day
so long, and thanks for all the......?

3 comments:

Schizo Phrenic said...

hand in there, existential crisis soon passes, like in a couple of years or so.
till then join the club.
hugs

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