a test of faith

i've been describing in some of my previous posts the crisis of faith i've been having. well, now i'm up against a test of faith. i need fortitude to stand up to it. so listen to my story, and pray for me.

on monday, i was posted to provide anaesthesia for 4 cases of sterilization/ caesarean with sterilization. i knew i'd have to refuse. and there lies the trouble. in the medical hierarchy (or probably in any hierarchy), refusing to do what a superior tells you to is considered......, well it's just not done. the thought of the consequences to my further academic prospects if someone decided to take offense, is rather unnerving.
but the decision had been made; so i steeled myself up, prayed desperately, rehearsed appropriate lines, and went to see the patients. having seen them, i reported their condition to my assigned senior anaesthetist, and proceeded to tell him about my 'problem'- that i would not be joining in the cases due to a religious belief. thankfully, my senior was a rather nice guy, and he just spoke to the senior anaesthetist in the adjoining theatre, and they exchanged juniors for the day. i'm thankful to them for their tolerance and to my fellow junior, who suddenly found herself lumped with another's cases.
and now it's happening again. on monday (is their something inauspicious about mondays?), i am again posted for a sterilization case. this time, the senior is not a nice guy. in fact, it is one of my seniors from medical school days who made life miserable for me in my first year. he detested me (why? that's another story).
i've been thinking, why do i keep telling myself that he dislikes me and that is why we can't get along? truth is, i detest what he did to me and the way he treated me all those years ago, and have never been comfortble around him. so yes, maybe i hate him too, but i'm quite sure he's going to be extremely cheesed off at my refusal and he won't be mincing words expressing himself.
and so it starts all over again. the sinking feeling in my chest, the nerving up to face a situation that makes me feel like a nerveless jellybean, the fear of consequences, about how i'll face all the reprimands and comments,.....
the last three times the situation arose, nothing happened. while in internship in obstetrics and gynaecology, and in community health, i refused to perform or assist in sterilization. then too, i was quaking in my boots thinking about possible repercussions. but nothing happened, thanks be to god.
which is why my best friend told me that nothing is likely to happen, that people are likely to respect freedom of religion and tolerate my actions (even if they consider it extremely ridiculous and medieval). i hope that is so. i fervently hope that is so, but my heart never fails to do cartwheels and settle somewhere under my intestines whenever the thought strikes.
i'm not at all worried about not being able to explain the teaching of the church to people, because honestly, even i find it difficult to understand and even more, to express. i know that even if i tried, i could not even begin to hope to convince anyone with my current level of understanding about the reasons contraception is wrong. my main reason, from the beginning, has been that i believe in majesterial infallibility (understood in it's correct sense, not in the caricature always presented by less-informed people).
as usual, the inexperienced writer does not know how to put together a piece with it's usual parts- beginning, body, and end. i feel, that literally, i've waded into something and don't know how to get out of it (this article, i mean). so pray for me, that god will put to rest my fears, and teach me to trust in him to provide all i need.