Saturday, June 30, 2007

why is faith so difficult?

why is faith so difficult to have?
why should i have to struggle to keep up my faith?
why do i keep sinning despite wanting not to?
why do i feel like a total failure?

there was a time when i didn't have a faith. my mother had taught me some prayers to be said by rote, without my having the foggiest idea what they were all about. it did not matter, it was a minor demand on a teenager's time, just to keep the peace. so was going to church and responding during mass, and singing the songs.
church was also a social affair. got to see girls!!!!!! (yes, i studied in a boys school) and to talk with friends while going and coming back. even enjoyed to fun of the youth groups.
then came a time when faith came, and it came easy.
jesus said i love you, and i said the same to him. i felt good about myself. i could turn to prayer at any opportunity. it was wonderful. everything seemed to be going right. i felt peace, i felt joy and happiness, i felt jesus.
then where did it all go? how did it slip away?
why is it that i don't feel his presence any longer? why is that the temptations come thick and fast?
it's all i can do to try and fight them.
i feel like a frightened man, leaning his back for dear life against the door, while a giant monster wants to enter the room. i sweat, i tremble, and i shiver. i send up prayers asking for the monster to go away. but then i feel like letting go, standing limp, and letting the monster in.
so i do exactly that.
then come the reproaches (yes, like in the hymn)
i feel lousy about myself, i hate myself, and curse myself. i decide, i have to get back to the lord. but then again, i'm too tired. it seems like a never ending cycle of sin-remorse-confession-sin. sometimes i think to myself, just give up trying. don't even bother.
what have i achieved in all these years of straining against a leash too thick to break or chew off, other than a sore neck?
where's the jesus who promised to ease my burdens just when they became too much to bear? doesn't he see me collpase under the weight?
then the theory and the platitudes kick in:
- it's my fault for not trusting in him, and trusting only in myself
- it's not true that the burden is too much; i'm just too weak for it
- god loves me and won't try me more than i can handle
and many more

i'm tired right now. i want to give it all up, to hang up my boots, and call it a day
so long, and thanks for all the......?

what i learned from i.v. lines and spinals

i think i mentioned some time ago about having a terrible day at i.v. lines
well, that day stretched on to become two and then a few more.
it was absolutely nightmarish, i lost all confidence in the first and most basic thing an anaesthetist has to do.
on the other hand, my spinals were going in jsut fine. i was confident of giving spinals and would invariably "feel the give" and see the CSF flow out.
so i decided to place my i.v. lines in God's capable hands.
seriously, i started to say a silent prayer to God before each routine i.v. line!
am i superstitious? i don't think so. along with the prayer, i forced myself to concentrate harder on the tehnique (even if that sounds like too much of a word to use for something as simple as an i.v. line), and it actually started working.
i've been having less trouble with them now
i understand that sometimes, you just may not get a line, and i'm fine with that.
(i remember an incident form internship when i had to take an ABG at the end of a 24 hour duty in medicine. i poked one radial artery and could not get it, so i tried the other. i still didn't get it. extremely tired and irritated, i went for the femoral artery, and I STILL COULD NOT GET IT!!!!!!! worse, i tried the other femoral and managed to miss that too. to this day, i wonder how i managed to miss two femoral arteries. finally, i got bugged and left it to the next day's duty person.)
the spinals were teaching me something new: i had become too comfortable with them, so along came two or three people in a row in whom i could not get the CSF at all.
so, once again, i have to learn to not be over-confident, to invoke God's help and presence in the smallest of things, and to concentrate on the given work, instead of treating it as hum-drum.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

what is home?

hello thin air!!!!!
am back after a gluttonous and slothful week spent at home
did nothing but sit and talk with my mother and brother, and eat a lot (so what's new, you ask? ok, fair point.) and watch a lot of mindless television
been wondering about something for quite some time now, in fact since i came to college.
been wondering what home is.
i once thought up a rather cheeky phrase which i thought was true: HOME IS WHERE ONE UNPACKS
sounds reasonable doesn't it? you stay at home, and pack up to go out, and return when your excursion is over, and unpack.
for the last 6 years, i've been unpacking here, and living off a suitcase at home
yes, my room was not preserved in pristine condition for me simply because......... there's not enough space.
i still remember when i used to live at home. me and my brother sharing that bedroom. we were really happy.
oh no, we weren't in love with each other or anything. just that after 15 years of living in a small house with one bedroom and a hall (and usually, there used to be at least 6 people cooped up there, sometimes upto 10), we were overjoyed at having something to call our own "space"
of course it wasn't perfect. my father always used to come into the room to read the newspaper in the mornings to save on electricity spent on fans and lights!!!! and the concept of individual privacy was not something my mother understood. she wanted to know about every phone call, etc (my brother and i are still trying to tell her about those concepts). nonetheless, it was ours, even if for a few precious hours (suddenly, i'm thinking: it rhymes!!!!! can i add another line ending with wars, arse, mars, cars, SARS, or whatever?)
my brother and i had our own bed, and a table in between, and the cupboards nicely demarcated.
the first time i returned home, the two beds had been joined, and my brother needed both to sleep on. well, of course i was free to use it, but the difference was there. when i opened the cupboards, it was full of his stuff.
and i....... lived off a suitcase.
and how can i blame him? why should he save up space for me?
i guess it was more quickly obvious to him that i had left home for good.
i never thought about it back then. but it dawned on me over the years, that i had left home for good.
by the end of next year, my mother will retire from her government job and will have to vacate the quarters (our home?). she'll move back to my parent's native place, my brother will remain in the big city about 2500 kilometres away, and i'll be here, in this small town in the middle of nowhere, but geographically somewhere in between these two.
so i know, that what i used to call home, will pretty much cease to exist in another 18 months or so.
and, 6 years later, the truth is that i feel more comfortable here; i have my own space here, my own privacy. maybe that's what i meant. after all, this is where i unpack, isn't it?

Thursday, June 7, 2007

two nervous girls

met two extremely nervous girls today.
will be putting them to sleep for surgery tomorrow.
one is 13, and having a hip surgery. she looked so vulnerable, felt like picking her up, and rocking her to sleep.
was feeling irritated after having to wait for so long to see some patients. but it melted my heart to see her lying so scared on her bed with her mother sitting beside her. so i kidded her some, called her 'your majesty', and that kind of stuff. got her to smile, which was really worth it, i must say. convinced her to suffer one small injection. promised her in would buy the smallest needle in the world for her sake.
the other one was more of a problem. she's 22, and the kind i'm scared will jump three feet in the air if i even show her a needle. and we were planning a spinal on her!
talked to her too. but not sure i did much good in her case. wondering if gas-induction would not be the best for both of them. just hold mask and watch them sleep and then do the rest. hmmmmmm. tempting, isn't it?

am going home!!!!!

i can barely wait!!!
am going home for one whole week!!!!
after 15 months of labour in this place, and not all of it enjoyable, am finally getting to go home.
and though home is big city, for me at least, access to the net is not as easy as here. so, you may not find me chipping in for about a week. but i promise, there will be lots to tell when i do return.

Monday, June 4, 2007

Planned Parenthood apparently covering statutory rape- so what?

hi folks,
read an article on lifesite.net about Planned Parenthood apparently being caught on tape not bothering to report a case of statutory rape. you can read the story here.
seems like someone posing as a 15 year old pregnant girl went asking for an abortion with her 20-something "boyfriend". and a P.P. worker apparently advised that they would not look too closely into the exact age of the girl and could just put down whatever she said her age was.
now, i have always depended on lifesite and zenit for good coverage of relevant catholic news, but with this, i think lifesite is loosing focus.
firstly, not asking for the age in an abortion clinic is not so surprising. in most countries that have a liberal abortion policy, the patient does not need to provide any proof of age, even where there is a defined age-limit for statutory rape.
secondly, is that the reason lifesite objects to the very existence of P.P.? P.P. is an organisation that murders, and facilitates the murder of, many innocent human beings- today's Holy Innocents. that is, or at least should be the reason for lifesite objecting to them.
seriously, does lifesite think it wrong for a priest to not report a rape if he is told of it within the seal of confession? obviously not. we could argue that the motivation and reasoning are totally different in this case and that of P.P., but the end result is the same. what if P.P. decides to complain about priests obstructing justice by not divulging the contents of confessions?
let's stick to the real problem, the untold number of innocent and precious human lives being destroyed, instead of getting mired in such and similar (there have been articles about P.P.'s financial woes, and about some P.P. worker being accused of sexual assault) pointless sensationalism.

Saturday, June 2, 2007

forced sabbatical, homosexuality, work stuff

hello, non-existent readers!!!!
was forced to take a break from pouring out my ? innermost thoughts by the temporary closing down of the computer center at the most user-friendly hours.
anyway, got back on the comp today and stumbled on an interesting article:

Facts, not flattery, about same-sex attraction on MercatorNet

wish i could drill some of these facts into my usual bunch of liberal friends
but as is my usual please-everyone-and -go-along-with-everyone-just-don't-openly-disagree policy, i usually don't.

oh, and in case you were wondering, work is going on well, thank you very much
did have a horrific day when i counter-punctured every i.v. line i tried to start. was much more exasperated at myself than my senior was for having to stand behind me and watch, and then having to do it again after i Had just bombed on the best vein on the patient's body
though that day has passes, have still not gotten over the habit of putting in a fervent though brief prayer to the Almighty just before poking the patient. good habit, i think.

anyways, be seeing ya (i'm hilarious!. i mean, who am i kidding? i know not one soul is reading this load of horse manure!)