as you know, i've been in this place for the past six years. started off as a medical student in 2001, finished exams and did my 'year of the intern' in 2006, and luckily, got in to do my post-graduation in anaesthesia this year.
as i have mentioned in some previous posts, i'd come to love this place and be extremely comfortable in it. in fact, i contemplate continuing here on a long term. but once internship was over and all my classmates went their different ways, things have changed.
oh don't worry, i still like this place and would love to continue here, but now i wonder if that is not partly due to the general inertia and lack of columbus-like spirit in my nature.
because i've come to find, that if i had to recommend this place to someone, most of what i would have to tell them would be about the great times spent with friends.
and that is what i miss now. that is why, even people who left this place singing of freedom and life elsewhere, often come back- simply because this is the one place where at least some of those irreplaceable people who left an indelible mark on their memories are most likely to be found in person.
yesterday, two of my friends came back from different places to meet us (if i was feeling nasty, i'd say it's rather convenient considering they're here mostly to meet each other).
but that's neither here nor there (exactly! it's conveniently halfway between here and there as far as they are concerned!).
the point is, a bunch of us managed to get together for dinner. the dinner lasted the usual duration of little over an hour. what followed, though, was the most enjoyable time i've spent in a long while. a bunch of us just standing in the hospital campus yakking away and mixing new stories with old memories. we went on for over 3 hours i think.
thanks BONO, those were precious moments.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
nothing happened, again
as i mentioned previously, was not looking forward to discussing the contraception issue with my senior on sunday evening.
but as it turned out, the patient never turned up for surgery!
so monday has been rather predictable. not unpleasant, and reasonably predictable.
thank you, o one who watches from up above. and thank you all who pray for my peace of mind.
had been telling my brother about my fears over the phone. those who know my brother know that we're chalk and cheese, that we don't think alike on most issues. but over the past 5-6 years, since i've left home, i've often found him to be my best support in any kind of situation. and even on this issue, he never told me i was being ridiculous, or to drop the whole thing; he never told me i was right either, but he never told me to back down. he was just quietly supportive- 'stick it out,' he said, 'because i know you want to, don't you?'
but as it turned out, the patient never turned up for surgery!
so monday has been rather predictable. not unpleasant, and reasonably predictable.
thank you, o one who watches from up above. and thank you all who pray for my peace of mind.
had been telling my brother about my fears over the phone. those who know my brother know that we're chalk and cheese, that we don't think alike on most issues. but over the past 5-6 years, since i've left home, i've often found him to be my best support in any kind of situation. and even on this issue, he never told me i was being ridiculous, or to drop the whole thing; he never told me i was right either, but he never told me to back down. he was just quietly supportive- 'stick it out,' he said, 'because i know you want to, don't you?'
Saturday, August 25, 2007
about contraception
i was going through some of the material in my mail folders dealing with contraception, and i decided to put up here the best philosophical argument that i have come across against it. it's quite long, and requires patience to wade through. it is not for those who like to skim through and expect to find any neaning. it also took me three or four readings to get some of what it meant (and don't start the "so? you're slow! we all knew that! dialogue). anyway, here it is:
Contraception and Chastity at orthodoxy today
Contraception and Chastity at orthodoxy today
a test of faith
i've been describing in some of my previous posts the crisis of faith i've been having. well, now i'm up against a test of faith. i need fortitude to stand up to it. so listen to my story, and pray for me.
on monday, i was posted to provide anaesthesia for 4 cases of sterilization/ caesarean with sterilization. i knew i'd have to refuse. and there lies the trouble. in the medical hierarchy (or probably in any hierarchy), refusing to do what a superior tells you to is considered......, well it's just not done. the thought of the consequences to my further academic prospects if someone decided to take offense, is rather unnerving.
but the decision had been made; so i steeled myself up, prayed desperately, rehearsed appropriate lines, and went to see the patients. having seen them, i reported their condition to my assigned senior anaesthetist, and proceeded to tell him about my 'problem'- that i would not be joining in the cases due to a religious belief. thankfully, my senior was a rather nice guy, and he just spoke to the senior anaesthetist in the adjoining theatre, and they exchanged juniors for the day. i'm thankful to them for their tolerance and to my fellow junior, who suddenly found herself lumped with another's cases.
and now it's happening again. on monday (is their something inauspicious about mondays?), i am again posted for a sterilization case. this time, the senior is not a nice guy. in fact, it is one of my seniors from medical school days who made life miserable for me in my first year. he detested me (why? that's another story).
i've been thinking, why do i keep telling myself that he dislikes me and that is why we can't get along? truth is, i detest what he did to me and the way he treated me all those years ago, and have never been comfortble around him. so yes, maybe i hate him too, but i'm quite sure he's going to be extremely cheesed off at my refusal and he won't be mincing words expressing himself.
and so it starts all over again. the sinking feeling in my chest, the nerving up to face a situation that makes me feel like a nerveless jellybean, the fear of consequences, about how i'll face all the reprimands and comments,.....
the last three times the situation arose, nothing happened. while in internship in obstetrics and gynaecology, and in community health, i refused to perform or assist in sterilization. then too, i was quaking in my boots thinking about possible repercussions. but nothing happened, thanks be to god.
which is why my best friend told me that nothing is likely to happen, that people are likely to respect freedom of religion and tolerate my actions (even if they consider it extremely ridiculous and medieval). i hope that is so. i fervently hope that is so, but my heart never fails to do cartwheels and settle somewhere under my intestines whenever the thought strikes.
i'm not at all worried about not being able to explain the teaching of the church to people, because honestly, even i find it difficult to understand and even more, to express. i know that even if i tried, i could not even begin to hope to convince anyone with my current level of understanding about the reasons contraception is wrong. my main reason, from the beginning, has been that i believe in majesterial infallibility (understood in it's correct sense, not in the caricature always presented by less-informed people).
as usual, the inexperienced writer does not know how to put together a piece with it's usual parts- beginning, body, and end. i feel, that literally, i've waded into something and don't know how to get out of it (this article, i mean). so pray for me, that god will put to rest my fears, and teach me to trust in him to provide all i need.
on monday, i was posted to provide anaesthesia for 4 cases of sterilization/ caesarean with sterilization. i knew i'd have to refuse. and there lies the trouble. in the medical hierarchy (or probably in any hierarchy), refusing to do what a superior tells you to is considered......, well it's just not done. the thought of the consequences to my further academic prospects if someone decided to take offense, is rather unnerving.
but the decision had been made; so i steeled myself up, prayed desperately, rehearsed appropriate lines, and went to see the patients. having seen them, i reported their condition to my assigned senior anaesthetist, and proceeded to tell him about my 'problem'- that i would not be joining in the cases due to a religious belief. thankfully, my senior was a rather nice guy, and he just spoke to the senior anaesthetist in the adjoining theatre, and they exchanged juniors for the day. i'm thankful to them for their tolerance and to my fellow junior, who suddenly found herself lumped with another's cases.
and now it's happening again. on monday (is their something inauspicious about mondays?), i am again posted for a sterilization case. this time, the senior is not a nice guy. in fact, it is one of my seniors from medical school days who made life miserable for me in my first year. he detested me (why? that's another story).
i've been thinking, why do i keep telling myself that he dislikes me and that is why we can't get along? truth is, i detest what he did to me and the way he treated me all those years ago, and have never been comfortble around him. so yes, maybe i hate him too, but i'm quite sure he's going to be extremely cheesed off at my refusal and he won't be mincing words expressing himself.
and so it starts all over again. the sinking feeling in my chest, the nerving up to face a situation that makes me feel like a nerveless jellybean, the fear of consequences, about how i'll face all the reprimands and comments,.....
the last three times the situation arose, nothing happened. while in internship in obstetrics and gynaecology, and in community health, i refused to perform or assist in sterilization. then too, i was quaking in my boots thinking about possible repercussions. but nothing happened, thanks be to god.
which is why my best friend told me that nothing is likely to happen, that people are likely to respect freedom of religion and tolerate my actions (even if they consider it extremely ridiculous and medieval). i hope that is so. i fervently hope that is so, but my heart never fails to do cartwheels and settle somewhere under my intestines whenever the thought strikes.
i'm not at all worried about not being able to explain the teaching of the church to people, because honestly, even i find it difficult to understand and even more, to express. i know that even if i tried, i could not even begin to hope to convince anyone with my current level of understanding about the reasons contraception is wrong. my main reason, from the beginning, has been that i believe in majesterial infallibility (understood in it's correct sense, not in the caricature always presented by less-informed people).
as usual, the inexperienced writer does not know how to put together a piece with it's usual parts- beginning, body, and end. i feel, that literally, i've waded into something and don't know how to get out of it (this article, i mean). so pray for me, that god will put to rest my fears, and teach me to trust in him to provide all i need.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his life for his fellow man.... the feast day of st. maximilian kolbe
august 14th is the feast day of st. maxilmilian maria kolbe. i found that out today as i happened to go for morning mass (for a change, i know).
since i've always been inspired by his story, i thought i'd share it with you all (who all, i wonder)
anyway, here's the links, take your pick:
1) catholic forum's saints index
2) wikipedia article
3)from the jewish virtual library
4)kolbe net
and before i go,
st maximilian, pray that we to may have the courage to do as jesus calls us to do when the need arises, amen.
since i've always been inspired by his story, i thought i'd share it with you all (who all, i wonder)
anyway, here's the links, take your pick:
1) catholic forum's saints index
2) wikipedia article
3)from the jewish virtual library
4)kolbe net
and before i go,
st maximilian, pray that we to may have the courage to do as jesus calls us to do when the need arises, amen.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
people have problems
yes, everyone has problems
and some of them make mine seem inconsequential in comparison
it's really humbling to see people get on with their lives despite all their problems.
and the funny thing is, i would never know some of these till they told me about it. not that i could do anything about it having come to know about it.
take for example a middle-aged doctor working in my hospital. he's good at his work, and a very jovial person; also a good teacher. the other day he asked me to try and get some information for him related to getting his medical degrees and diplomas attested so he could go work elsewhere. so the usual thoughts go through my head- probably wants to make more money. not in a judgemental sense, but in a matter-of-fact way. belive me, where i come from, it's perfectly understandable that people want to go elsewhere for better financial returns for their hard work. later the story came out. he had a son with chronic renal failure with a failed transplant. all these years of treating the renal failure and transplant rejection was obviously a big financial strain. so his wife decided to start working elsewhere to make ends meet. once she left, the boy became moody and difficult, and refused to eat or take his medicines. so now, he too wants to go join his wife with his family.
and you'd never know that there was a tragedy of this magnitude behind the smiling face, and competent professionalism. and what about the courage to deal with all this for so long?
almost makes you question god's judgement on the trials he puts some people through.
teach me to trust. lord, that all things will be made beautiful in your time.
and some of them make mine seem inconsequential in comparison
it's really humbling to see people get on with their lives despite all their problems.
and the funny thing is, i would never know some of these till they told me about it. not that i could do anything about it having come to know about it.
take for example a middle-aged doctor working in my hospital. he's good at his work, and a very jovial person; also a good teacher. the other day he asked me to try and get some information for him related to getting his medical degrees and diplomas attested so he could go work elsewhere. so the usual thoughts go through my head- probably wants to make more money. not in a judgemental sense, but in a matter-of-fact way. belive me, where i come from, it's perfectly understandable that people want to go elsewhere for better financial returns for their hard work. later the story came out. he had a son with chronic renal failure with a failed transplant. all these years of treating the renal failure and transplant rejection was obviously a big financial strain. so his wife decided to start working elsewhere to make ends meet. once she left, the boy became moody and difficult, and refused to eat or take his medicines. so now, he too wants to go join his wife with his family.
and you'd never know that there was a tragedy of this magnitude behind the smiling face, and competent professionalism. and what about the courage to deal with all this for so long?
almost makes you question god's judgement on the trials he puts some people through.
teach me to trust. lord, that all things will be made beautiful in your time.
jeremiah 7 scares me
my daily reading brought me to the book of jeremiah a few days ago, and in due course of time, i reached chapter 7. frankly, it scares me. read on:
The word that came to Jeremias from the Lord, saying: Stand in the gate of the house of the Lord, and proclaim there this word, and say: Hear ye the word of the Lord, all ye men of Juda, that enter in at these gates, to adore the Lord. Thus saith the Lord of hosts the God of Israel: Make your ways and your doings good: and I will dwell with you in this place. Trust not in lying words, saying: The temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord, it is the temple of the Lord. For if you will order well your ways, and your doings: if you will execute judgment between a man and his neighbour, if you oppress not the stranger, the fatherless, and the widow, and shed not innocent blood in this place, and walk not after strange gods to your own hurt, I will dwell with you in this place: in the land, which I gave to your fathers from the beginning and for evermore. Behold you put your trust in lying words, which shall not profit you: To steal, to murder, to commit adultery, to swear falsely, to offer to Baalim, and to go after strange gods, which you know not. And you have come, and stood before me in this house, in which my name is called upon, and have said: We are delivered, because we have done all these abominations. Is this house then, in which my name hath been called upon, in your eyes become a den of robbers? I, I am he: I have seen it, saith the Lord. Go ye to my place in Silo, where my name dwelt from the beginning: and see what I did to it for the wickedness of my people Israel: And now, because you have done all these works, saith the Lord: and I have spoken to you rising up early, and speaking, and you have not heard: and I have called you, and you have not answered: I will do to this house, in which my name is called upon, and in which you trust, and to the place which I have given you and your fathers, as I did to Silo.
(from the douay-rheims-challoner version)
The word that came to Jeremias from the Lord, saying: Stand in the gate of the house of the Lord, and proclaim there this word, and say: Hear ye the word of the Lord, all ye men of Juda, that enter in at these gates, to adore the Lord. Thus saith the Lord of hosts the God of Israel: Make your ways and your doings good: and I will dwell with you in this place. Trust not in lying words, saying: The temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord, it is the temple of the Lord. For if you will order well your ways, and your doings: if you will execute judgment between a man and his neighbour, if you oppress not the stranger, the fatherless, and the widow, and shed not innocent blood in this place, and walk not after strange gods to your own hurt, I will dwell with you in this place: in the land, which I gave to your fathers from the beginning and for evermore. Behold you put your trust in lying words, which shall not profit you: To steal, to murder, to commit adultery, to swear falsely, to offer to Baalim, and to go after strange gods, which you know not. And you have come, and stood before me in this house, in which my name is called upon, and have said: We are delivered, because we have done all these abominations. Is this house then, in which my name hath been called upon, in your eyes become a den of robbers? I, I am he: I have seen it, saith the Lord. Go ye to my place in Silo, where my name dwelt from the beginning: and see what I did to it for the wickedness of my people Israel: And now, because you have done all these works, saith the Lord: and I have spoken to you rising up early, and speaking, and you have not heard: and I have called you, and you have not answered: I will do to this house, in which my name is called upon, and in which you trust, and to the place which I have given you and your fathers, as I did to Silo.
(from the douay-rheims-challoner version)
Monday, August 6, 2007
pascal and the god-shaped hole
pascal once wrote that there is a god-shaped hole in each one's heart
how true that is!
and to think that i believed it in theory all these years, and now, suddenly, am finding myself on the wrong end of the thought
the implication being, of course, that only god can satisfactorily fill that hole in our hearts, and anything else we try to shove in, will only be like a square peg in a round hole.
so here i am, thinking that perhaps, i need to clean my room; or get back to studying regularly; or exercise regularly; or eat healthy; or declare my love; or a million other things
what my mind is conveniently, or rather eagerly, ignoring is that i need to get right with my maker again.
is it tough?
you betcha!
but is it what needs to be done?
oh yeah.
no matter how many times the prodigal son walks away, the father will be found waiting at the gate for him to come back.
so pray for me that i may go back to my father's house, where even the servants live in love and comfort; whereas i wallow with pigs
how true that is!
and to think that i believed it in theory all these years, and now, suddenly, am finding myself on the wrong end of the thought
the implication being, of course, that only god can satisfactorily fill that hole in our hearts, and anything else we try to shove in, will only be like a square peg in a round hole.
so here i am, thinking that perhaps, i need to clean my room; or get back to studying regularly; or exercise regularly; or eat healthy; or declare my love; or a million other things
what my mind is conveniently, or rather eagerly, ignoring is that i need to get right with my maker again.
is it tough?
you betcha!
but is it what needs to be done?
oh yeah.
no matter how many times the prodigal son walks away, the father will be found waiting at the gate for him to come back.
so pray for me that i may go back to my father's house, where even the servants live in love and comfort; whereas i wallow with pigs
the seventh harry potter
i managed to read the last harry potter in a few breathless hours over the weekend, and thus managed to throw my usual schedule out of kilter. as a result, i have an extra pile of dirty clothes waiting to be laundered, and the room's till dusty.
but anyway.....i'd say it was well worth it
the first three books had an innocence to them that was refreshing. i really loved the unbeatable combination of boarding school life and magic.
the next three books were dark and brooding
i still remember thinking that as far as writing or children went, the death of cedric diggory in the fourth book was an extremely badly-managed piece. but i guess from that book on, rowling was no longer writing just for children
the fifth and sixth books did not make any special impression on me. almost felt directionless.
but this one was, oh wow!
deathly hallows has some interesting theological elements in it too.
the idea that victory over death being in meeting it head-on and fearlessly seems to ring a (christian) bell.
i loved the ending. some say it was too corny and sugary. but you know me, i'm a die-hard romantic, and totally fall for the kind of endings epitomized by this one.
and i always end up imagining the future.
right now, i'm wondering about remus lupin's and tonks' kid. both parents died fighting voldemort. wonder what he'll grow up into. another harry potter?
but perhaps, it is too good an ending to keep dragging further into the future. it looks good where it lies.
thanks j.k. rowling, it was a really good series.
but anyway.....i'd say it was well worth it
the first three books had an innocence to them that was refreshing. i really loved the unbeatable combination of boarding school life and magic.
the next three books were dark and brooding
i still remember thinking that as far as writing or children went, the death of cedric diggory in the fourth book was an extremely badly-managed piece. but i guess from that book on, rowling was no longer writing just for children
the fifth and sixth books did not make any special impression on me. almost felt directionless.
but this one was, oh wow!
deathly hallows has some interesting theological elements in it too.
the idea that victory over death being in meeting it head-on and fearlessly seems to ring a (christian) bell.
i loved the ending. some say it was too corny and sugary. but you know me, i'm a die-hard romantic, and totally fall for the kind of endings epitomized by this one.
and i always end up imagining the future.
right now, i'm wondering about remus lupin's and tonks' kid. both parents died fighting voldemort. wonder what he'll grow up into. another harry potter?
but perhaps, it is too good an ending to keep dragging further into the future. it looks good where it lies.
thanks j.k. rowling, it was a really good series.
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